{whole children} :: sell your labels somewhere else

I'm not one of those parents that thinks that their child is the most brilliant human being ever created. I don't hold delusions, and I don't subscribe to parental hysteria. However, I know that I have a child whose mind does not operate on the same levels of other children. I have a son whose mind is architectural, scientific, structural, mathematical...and very, very engineering.

It's rough for me, because I'm a literary. My son loves letters...insomuch as he can create their structure..."Mama, up-down-up-down makes an M...down-up-down-up makes a W." He could care less about stories. He could care less about the plot...but, rather..."mama, how did they build that building in that picture?" (got me, kiddo:{) He sees this world in a very different way than I do...in a very different way than it ever dawned on me to. It's extremely early for this personality to emerge to the degree that it has. So, no...I don't think that I have some sort of savant on my hands. But, what I DO KNOW...is that I have a child whose mind has surpassed that of his peers in ways that most people don't look for, at his age.

So, when he doesn't want to sit and listen to a story...a story, by the way, that he has had memorized for the last 2 years, because I read it to him every single night for almost his entire life, so far...I would appreciate it very much if it were not implied to me that his behavior might need to be addressed with medication at some point. I would appreciate it very much, if it would be considered that what is seen as a behavior problem, is actually a result of the subject matter he is expected to pay attention to, is way beneath him. I would like it to be known that... you BORE MY SON TO TEARS.

So...sell your labels somewhere else...'cause THIS mama ain't buyin'. Just because you don't have the energy to help my child flourish, doesn't mean there's something wrong with him...it means there's something wrong with you.

Mama Bear is out to play with those who seek to suggest that labels somehow belong on my child.

{whole children} :: the great inquisition of 2011

Well, here I am. I know...I don't have any excuses. Yeah...there's school, my child, my husband, my hormones. Truth is...I had the time, but I've been wasting it. God's getting a hold of me about it...don't worry. But, what I really want to talk about today is...

The Great Inquisition of 2011...help. me. Rhonda.

My son has entered that stage where he asks the million questions over and over and over and over and over. But, it's not just an inquisitive stage...he asks questions like "Mama, what's my name?", "Mama, where are my feet? I lost my feet?", "Mama...who's your husband?"...you know, questions he knows all the answers to.

*insert hair pulling*

Here's the thing...I know that he just wants to find a reason to have conversation with us. I love that. It's just problematic when he wants to converse 24 hours a day. To his credit...he's an only child who was SO NOT built to be an only child. He loves people, he loves to talk to people, and his social prowess knows no bounds. I love it. I was the same way as a kid. But, sometimes...we have other things that need attending to. Bless his sweet, little heart...he's driving us crazy.

I know, I know...there will be a day, approximately 9 years from now, where I will be wishing he would just open up to me...ask me some questions. There will be a day, when the 4 year old will be a 13 year old, and I will be longing for the problems of today...wishing I had all the answers to his questions. I know that, and I'm working on it. But, today...

I feel like I'm in an interrogation room all day, every day. But, then he does this...

...and I just want him to wake up and ask me more inane questions, and step on my feet, and kick me in the shins, and leave a trail of destruction in his wake...sigh. I love him and his little warrior spirit...crazy as it makes me.

{whole children}::soul space

For the past couple of weeks, things have been a bit challenging at the Utterback house. As is the case with most 4 year olds, we have been having a tough time getting our boy to listen to us. Let me just get really real here, and tell you, there are days I've felt like I'm in that movie The Others with Nicole Kidman...you know, the one where she and her children are living in this house, and there are other people there, she doesn't understand why they won't acknowledge her, and then realizes that she is actually dead...and a ghost? That's where we have been. I mean, I'm speaking, and I hear the words coming out of my mouth...TEST 1, 2!, TEST...TEST!!...but, alas there is no reaction from my child. You know that blue-in-the face feeling?...yeah, I've had it for about a month straight. Yeah...it's not working for us.

I prayed for a solution, and gave myself a good, hard look...and what I realized is that I have not been keeping a tight enough reign on my household.

Now, don't get me wrong...I'm not talking about being strict. What I'm talking about is the responsibility bestowed on mothers to set the tone of their homes. We all know that careful planning and organization are key for keeping finances in check, and for promoting responsibility. However, I think what's even more key, is what it does for the spirit of your home...and especially your children.

For the past couple of months, I have been asking him a lot of questions that begin with the phrase..."What do you want?"...you know, to eat, to wear, to do, to watch? Ugh! Now...at first glance (and, if you're inclined to believe the stupidity of our society), that doesn't seem like such a bad thing. Of course we need to give our children choices. However, I have basically been letting him lead me. *self-truth punch to the gut!* Because, I have so many different things on my plate right now, I was basically looking to him...my 4 YEAR OLD!...to take over some of the decisions! It's not something that I did consciously, and as soon as I realized it, I immediately put a stop to it. However, I had successfully created an environment, where there was no solidity...and, it showed.

I fully believe children need to have the basic understanding that someone's got their back. For the home to be a purposeful, well-run entity is to create space...for peace, harmony, and development. Children don't need to have to make the choices about meal planning, activities and clothing. They need to be learning and soaking things in...discovering and getting lost in imagination. While that sounds whimsical...it's imperative. It's how they develop who they are going to be. They need soul space.

Speaking of soaking things in...our situation also has another component. It's one we all know well...Television. As I write this, we are on our second day of a TV blackout week, in our home. I like TV. It's fun, it can be educational, and I think it can be an asset...occasionally. I'm sad to admit, we had created a habit of turning on the television. We like to keep up with current events, and we like to be entertained. Add to that, DFW decided to have a northern-style winter, this year. There were weeks on end that we didn't leave our house much.

*information and noise overload*

Have you ever felt frustrated, like you're about to lose your cool, when all of a sudden the air unit shuts off, or the hood fan over your stove turns off, and you realize that THAT was the source of your ire, and you didn't even realize it? Background noise is a major soul-sucker...especially when that background noise consists of opinions and rancor, angst, bad attitudes, self-glorification, and disrespect. I realized that Jax' sporadic behavior could be linked to the fact that the TV was on, all the time. A day and a half into the blackout...and things are 200% improved. He is calm, engaging in conversation, decompressed...like his spirit is quieter. It's not just him, either. All of us have soul space...to think, to ponder, to imagine, to hear, to listen...to observe. We have been putting on music, and that has given us the space to worship. It's been awesome! Like I said...soul space.

We are going to keep going with our experiment. As for me, I am going to be more purposeful about what's going on in my home. I don't have the right not to. For me, that looks like getting up early in the morning. I need to receive from the Lord...His love, His word, His wisdom. I need to get my head on straight, before everyone else needs me to do it for them. I'll let you all in on how it goes as I forge ahead this week.

Take inventory on the spirit of your home, too...it's well worth it...and getting back on track is so much quicker than you think! It's all about the soul space!

KEEP DREAMING: More than a Review (with a bonus GIVEAWAY!)

A few weeks ago, I found out that a couple of guys I know had written a children's book. So, of course...I shamelessly asked if I could review it!

We went to high school together, and today, we're all parents...inspired to give our children more than this world will readily offer...driven to give them the gift of understanding their full potential...walking through this world with the weight of how to guide them to that understanding. So, we search, and we express our journeys...each in different ways.

It was really important to me that I do this review, not as someone who knows the creators, but as a mother, who is passionate about her kid. So, I read, and now review it, through that lens...out of that heart.


I have the great honor of introducing you all to Keep Dreaming, a collaborative effort, written by Jake Brittain and illustrated by Scott Dykema, centered around encouraging kids to dream...and dream BIG. It is a beautifully crafted poem, that pays homage to the dreamers that have made our world what it is, today. It's a delicious reminder, even to adults, that making dreams a reality is a tangible endeavor. The message goes even deeper with the CD included, that features the words set to different music, all written by Jake.

That message is brought to life by Scott's unique and visionary art. I'm not overstating when I say that! I was immediately transported by his use of deep colors and dreamy scenes. It was like going on a journey. Add to that, Scott's wife, Anna designed the layout of the book! (Talented family, no?)

This book is so RICH...the message, the colors, the pictures, and the motivation.

Let me tell you why it moved me to tears:
First of all, my son turned 4 on Sunday. He has reached that age, where he dreams like crazy. He's constantly regaling me with wild tales of how there was a monster on the roof, and how he turned on the jets in his shoes to fly up and punch him in the eye...and how he wasn't scared at all! My heart jumps for these stories...because, I know the imagination behind them is world-changing! I know that, if he lives his life with the kind of drive that moves him around right now...he will be a force to be reckoned with. It's my job to foster and cultivate that spirit in him...and paramount to that is...protecting and encouraging his dreams! What better gift could I give him?

Secondly, I am all too aware of the fact that there are countless children out there who do not have the opportunity to hold on to their dreams...much less receive encouragement to bring those dreams into the world. I am heart-sick for the children whose life circumstances squelch their dreams all too early. So, when I read Keep Dreaming, I also read it from the heart of an adoptive mother. My heart aches for children who don't have the same chances, and so I prayed the message would reach as many kids as possible.

Well, prayer answered! I found out that this book is to be marketed under the One for One model...you know...like TOMS Shoes?
(*Scott, Jake, and I went to jr. high and high school with Blake Mycoskie, the founder and chief shoe giver of TOMS.)
Keep Dreaming sells for $15, and for every book that they sell, a book will be given to a child in need! Not only did they bring the world a gift...they're making sure it gets to the kids that need it most!

So, now I want to offer you...A GIVEAWAY! I bought a copy of the book, solely for the purpose of giving it away to one of my readers. However, I wanted the book that was given away to have contributed to the One for One thing, so you could know it's fulfilling it's purpose. This will be a great gift for any parent or child!

There are several ways you can enter for this giveaway!

• go to www.newdreamstudio.com, look around and then come leave a comment back here, on whole family project, telling me what you think:)
  
• leave a comment, on this blog, telling me your biggest dream for your child
• follow the whole family project blog
  
• follow whole family project on twitter
• "like" whole family project on Facebook

Leave a separate comment for each entry, and then on Saturday, October 23, 2010, I will do a drawing on random.org for the winner! Good luck!

Stepping to the Edge of the Nest

Some time ago, we realized that our little boy was in desperate need of some group interaction. Part of me just wants to keep him with me, every day, for the rest of my life. The other part...the part that began training him to leave me, from the very first day I got him...knows full well that this outgoing, adventurous, precocious little spirit needs community. He needs to begin grasping what it is to be under someone else's instruction, to grow socially, to have interaction, to cultivate friendships...to lift his wings, and prepare for flight. I know it's just the first step, but it's still profound. He's been fighting for independence since he was an infant. He is tenacious about his own self-sufficiency, and about his own abilities. So, in that spirit, we signed him up for soccer...and, Mother's Day Out a couple of days a week. All of this happened at once, so our week was full of firsts...

{first soccer practice}

{first team warm up}

{first soccer game}

{first day of "school"}

I felt a little silly shedding tears over Mother's Day Out, but it was more than that. It was just the first in a long line of experiences that draw me closer to the day when I'll be waving goodbye to him, as he goes off to college, gets married, becomes a father...is a man. 14 years isn't very long...it's already been almost 4. I have to savor every moment.

Know the feeling?

Spotlight on Adoption: Guest Post

I am breaking my own rules, again, and I have decided to go ahead and post about adoption this week...even though it's the first Tuesday, instead of the last.

Adoption is a scary and unsure thing. It is something that not everyone can relate to. For me, it was a time in my life, where, if I asked someone for some reassurance, I could tell that they couldn't give me any that was genuine...because they had never been there...they actually didn't KNOW if everything was going to be OK. I treasure the time, now...because, it taught me my first and greatest lesson in trusting God. I had to learn that one for real! However, at the time, it was terrifying, and there were few I could turn to. There was one person, however, who knew exactly how I felt... and she came to be a mentor and God-given comfort for me. Her son and daughter-in-law are 2 of our most treasured friends in this life...more like family, really. A while back, I asked her to share her feelings and thoughts on our particular journey to motherhood, to be published on this blog. Her name is Kay...and at long last...these are her thoughts:

When Aleisha asked me to share something on adoption and gave me complete freedom, I really couldn’t decide where to start. As the adoptive mother of two, who are both now adults, I have had plenty of thoughts on adoption over the years.

First of all, to me adoption is a miracle of the most special kind. No, there is no physical labor. But is there labor?-- yes there is. When you are having a baby the natural way, you have a pretty good idea you’ll be a mother in approximately nine months. When you are having a baby by adoption, you may know nine months ahead of time, or you may wait for several years. Then when you finally get “the call”, you are in what I call emotional labor, which believe me can be pretty intense, and just a step away from insanity at times.

And the moment each of my children were placed in my arms, I can honestly say they were mine. Bonding doesn’t happen instantly with everyone, there are no rules about it.

I just know when I have been asked by well-meaning friends and sometimes by well-meaning strangers, “ Are you going to let them meet their real mother?” I want to remind them of the children’s story about the Velveteen Rabbit and what it means to be real. For the rabbit, it meant that his fur got rubbed off and he looked pretty ratty looking. His eyes might have been rubbed off (I don’t remember all the story), and he got awfully tattered. It’s kind of the same way with an adoptive mother. I got made real by getting thrown up on, spit up on, staying up 24 hours at a time to be the comforter to my sick child, etc. etc. –you get the idea. So I always tell whoever asks me, “ I am the real mother.” Being an adoptive mom is not being some kind of very special baby sitter, until the real mother comes back. Being an adoptive mother is being GIVEN the privilege of being a real mom. So what does that leave for the birth mother? For me, it meant an incredible sense of gratefulness and thankfulness to each of two young ladies who made what had to be an almost unbearably painful, yet exquisitely loving decision to give the gift of motherhood to someone like me. The story in the Bible ( King Solomon) of how the real mother was willing to give up her child so he could live tells it so much better than I can. I have had the opportunity to meet my son’s birth mother and to do what I longed to do for years--- say “Thank you, thank you, thank you.” Those words seem so inadequate, but they were all I had. And as we hugged and cried, she honored me by saying those same words back to me—“Thank you for being my son’s mother.” I hope one day to get to meet my daughter’s birth mother and tell her thank you too. I always think of her on my daughter’s birthday and know she is wondering how the tiny little girl she gave birth to twenty-eight years ago is doing. And I long to tell her, “ She is doing great, she is an incredible person, and I am so, so blessed to be her mother. Thank you.” Maybe one day, I will get that chance.

The other question that well-meaning friends and sometimes well-meaning strangers would ask me was the most puzzling of all. When my children were small they would say( in whispered tones), “ Are you going to TELL them they are ADOPTED?” My answer always was, “ I never thought there was anything so terrible or dark about the truth. Yes, they will be told.” And they were. When they were each about two years old, I made each of them a little story book about how much Mommy and Daddy wanted a baby, how we prayed, and how God chose the very baby we were supposed to have through adoption.” Is that just a children’s story? Not to me, it’s not, it is God’s truth. Each one of my children was chosen for me as surely as if they had grown inside me.

Hope that my random thoughts have encouraged or blessed someone today.

Kay

Thank you, Kay...for everything...this beautiful post, your amazing heart...for raising an amazing man, so that he would marry an amazing woman; for being an ear and a comfort during our adoption; for making us one of those sweet books, so that we would also be able to share our experience with our son...and for being a vessel of God's love...what a wonderful legacy.

Seeing Him

I had a very profound experience with Jax, today. We were sitting on the couch, watching a program about how to prevent and survive different life-threatening scenarios. At that moment, there was a particular story about a man who ignited into flame, at a gas station, when he was filling up a gas can, and didn't follow the proper protocol to avoid static electricity. I don't shield my son from things that are ugly (as long as they aren't inappropriate), I just make sure to give him the truth about it, explaining to him how things can happen, and if I know how...how to avoid them. Well, during this segment, he was very quiet. I was telling Brandon about my very specific behaviors at the gas station, to avoid such situations, as most of the people who become fatalities of gas station static/vapor fires are women...because they reenter their cars more often during fueling.

{as women, we keep our credit cards in our purse, so we usually reenter the vehicle to put it back. DON'T DO THAT! Always just keep your card in your pocket, or if you aren't comfortable, make sure that you touch the metal part of your car, before heading back to the gas nozzle.}

A few minutes passed, and heard a little sniffle. I look down at Jaxen, sitting in the crook of my arm, and he says, in a teary voice, "Mom, I don't want you to do that." {chin quivering} I assured him that I am very safe when I pump gas, and that I always make sure and do the things I need to do, to make sure a fire doesn't happen. A couple of tears fell down his cheeks, as he says to me..."I want you AYIVE, mom!" (We're still working on the "L" sound:) He buried his face in my side, and I realized that there are some anxieties that he carries that he doesn't always share. In the past few months, he has experienced the passing of his grandpa, and his baby cousin, Evan. While he never knew either of them very intimately, he was still affected. It created questions in him.

He is at the age, that several details of his personality are beginning to emerge. When he is a little hurt...he'll make a little show of it, publicly. But, if he is really in pain, or really feeling badly, he hides from me. A couple of times, it's only been because I am like a hawk that I have even realized that he had been injured, because he just doesn't want to advertise it. I'll find him quietly suffering in another room, because for some reason, he doesn't want to say anything to me. I find it very strange, because we have never had a situation where he wasn't allowed to express anything...except for disrespect.

I'm taking all of these little instances to heart...because, I'm starting to realize that where he is very much an extrovert, there are specific things that he doesn't readily share...and, I will need to keep an eye out for his moments of reflection...always ready to read between his lines. I guess it shouldn't surprise me all that much...because, for a child that doesn't house his father's biology...he's a chip off the old block, sometimes. I certainly have never been covert with my emotions.

I am often taken aback by his beautiful depths. I am awed by his perceptions, by his understanding. I can't wait to hear the things he has to tell me. I can't wait to see the things he has to show me...often times about myself. What do we do, we parents, to be honored in the ways that we are with these excruciatingly amazing little people? Is anyone else as awed by their existence as I am? It blows my mind that this little person was just learning to roll over 3 1/2 years ago, and today, he's telling me, in his own words, of my value to him, and regaling me with tales of his conquering dinosaurs and showing me the royalty that lives deep in his spirit. I can't explain how grateful I am that I get to witness his life....

...it kind of makes me feel Ayive.

S.O.S.: The Preschool Boy Conundrum

I'm having trouble with these Tuesday posts. I want to post regularly on the issue of child-rearing. The problem is...I'm in a raunchy place with it. My son will be 4 in October, and we are in that stage where I can't do a. single. thing. without it being extremely difficult. I find that I'm either tripping over him, begging him to be quiet for a single second...or it's quiet, and I'm terrified about what I'm going to find. I'm not even going to start on the physical wounds I receive, just because he happened to walk by me, at any given moment. I'm want to celebrate this stage of his life...but, can I be honest, here? I'm really ready for the next one!

I. am. exhausted.

I don't want anyone to think that my child is not absolutely my favorite part of my whole life...because, he absolutely is. He's very sweet, kind, and nurturing...he loves to help with anything he can. Not to mention, he's becoming very intuitive about other people's feelings. It's just that in order to easily be effective in keeping him reigned in, right now...I'd have to be an octopus on steroids! He's faster than a speeding bullet, louder than an approaching train, and as destructive as a tornado in a town made of glass...not to mention sneaky as all get out.

We are staying with some friends, right now, and in the past 3 weeks, he has done more damage than our non-existent income can maintain. During one of those quiet moments a couple of weeks ago, I went to look for him, and found him shredding the sheet that was on the air mattress he was sleeping on with his dad's pocket knife, that I had unwittingly left on the washer when I was cleaning out pockets for laundry. Upon closer inspection, I realized that he had also stabbed holes in the mattress (a motorized Aerobed at that), and it is now ruined. Just day before yesterday, while clearing his breakfast dishes, he threw them so hard that he broke a one of a kind bowl that was in the sink...very rare and expensive. This was just a couple of days after he fried my parents' DVR by spraying it with a water bottle. None of this stuff is malicious...it's just natural boy curiosity coupled with an unbridled and freakish amount of force...the likes of which are confounding to all who witness it.

I don't know what to do...I really don't. I might be able to come up with some creative solutions...but, I can't hear myself think. As it is, it's taken me aaaaallll day long to finish this one measly post. It's nearly 4 'o clock!

We have soccer in the pipeline, and hopefully we will be able to put him in some part time preschool...but, I could really use some practical advice, here. Does anyone else have a barbarian child? I don't want to squelch his spirit...I've read Wild at Heart...I know it's how he wired. However, I also can't let him run amok...so, I need some input on balance from anyone who has any! To put it plainly....

H E E E E E L L L L L P P P P P !!!!!!!!!

Manic at the Museum

{looks mean, I know. but, we weren't actually successful at feeding him to the T-Rex}

Well, I'm not sure if you have ever taken your 3 year old son to the museum...but, if you are planning it, any time soon...I would like to share some wisdom with you, in hopes that you would be more prepared than I.

First of all...if you have visions of bond-building, scientific discoveries reflected in your child's bright eyes, dancing in your head...please remove them, promptly with a pair of pliers. Maybe it's just my kid...but, when there is a really intriguing demonstration of electricity, using a Vandergraff orb, going on...don't expect them to be wide-eyed and engaged. Maybe yours, too, would be the one kid that can't sit still, & likes to wander around the room, pausing only to block another child's view, while all the other children are plugged in and excited...


Or...maybe your child, when given the option of building wonderful structures & doing exciting experiments on kinetic energy or centrifugal force, would rather get a mouth full of water from one water table, only to run and spit it into another...

Or maybe your son also has an unbalanced amount of time with his mom, so the grocery store set up is infinitely more interesting than the construction area...


Or maybe, you'll find, like I did, that after all that...the urge to go the Sharks! presentation at the IMAX theater is most attractive for it's well-orchestrated napping potential...as you have not only had to chase your extremely fast preschooler around for the previous 2 hours...but, you've also had to do it, alone, because that other kid you brought with you...you know, the one that's almost 40...he was busy doing all the experiments, fort building, and museum participating that you had wished upon the aforementioned child.

Or maybe you have fun at the museum...different strokes:) Either way...I suppose it's best to realize this: