{whole me} :: being

I've been having a difficult few weeks. Internally...it's all internal. I struggle to be as genuine, here, as I can, because I like to entertain and be quippy when I write this blog. But, sometimes, I think it's important to share struggle.

Some of the greatest inspiration, the most profound healing, and the most genuine "I get that!" moments, when I read my favorite blogs, are when the writer lets go and just shares the "dirties" in their heart.

We're all in this together.

If we're not...we may as well just hang it up...right now.

Sometimes, I feel like a bad stage mom. Only...I'm not imposing my warped versions of myself onto a child...I'm projecting them onto me. The truth is, I've been in a bad mood for about 6 weeks.

I have reasons...lots of reasons. But...everyone has reasons.

The issues are not the problem. I have allowed them to control my response. I have neglected to spend time in the Word, sleep correctly, exercise, and be thankful. I have come to realize that my bad mood may not have lasted so long if I had handled myself correctly.

But, there was this belief...a belief that said I have the right to be as blah as I feel like being...because of my reasons.

Well, you know what...it affected everyone around me...but, most of all...my husband. Our marriage has taken a real hit these past few weeks. The fruits of my bad mood are ugly...verbal tear downs of my husband, rejection of my responsibilities as the caretaker of our home, and a feeling of deep discontentment with my life. In the light of the what's happening around our world...how disgusting is that?! Heck...in light of what's happening in the lives of some of the people I know, it's out of line.

I'm happy to report that after a good night's rest, followed by a good solid hour in the Word and in prayer, this morning...I feel well on my way to repair. However, I have a lot of work to do.

Now that I have gotten the confession out of the way...I don't want to beat down the experience with a bunch of oppressive guilt. There are actual reasons, here...let's explore.

Hormones - Hormones are a thorn in my side. They have been making life difficult for me since I was a very little girl. Explain to an eight year old why she needs to wear a bra 3 years before all her friends...and that when she's nine...she'll enter the fun world of menses. It wasn't fun then...and it's less fun when you are a 20-something woman who desperately wants to have children, and is unable to conceive. I will go further into hormones at some point...but, they are so in depth and complex that I may have to treat it as a research paper. For now...they are the source from which so many of my life's issues spring...and second only to sleep apnea...six weeks of irrational depression leads the pack.

Sleep Apnea - building on the aforementioned hormone problem, sleep apnea is literally killing me. I'm working hard to get weight off (also made difficult by the hormone monster). However, when you don't get oxygen most of the night, and you sleep like a dying fish...it's easy to see how proper choices and more productive self-soothing techniques can get lost in the fog. Not to mention the pain factor...When you wake up to every single joint in your body aching, all your muscles being completely rigid, and your heart racing 90 miles an hour, it's a tough sell to get up and go work out...even though that is actually the answer. Exhaustion doesn't even begin to cover the effects.

Feeling overwhelmed - when one struggles just to get their day started, it stands to reason that things will start to pile up. I don't know about other moms, but my list of things to do on a daily basis, doesn't lend itself to late starts and less-than-productive paces. When you are a full time student, fledgling farmer, mother, wife, housekeeper, lover, psychologist, guidance counselor, builder-upper, chef, writer, teacher, organizer, and handyman...with the added pressure of not feeling fully equipped to do ANY of them, much less ALL of them...and then add to the pile that you feel called to do all of them, with almost the same amount of vigor...well...how do you feel just reading it?

Inadequate spiritual feeding - not getting up in the morning to have time with God, allowing yourself to get out of the habit of going to fellowship and worship at church, not having time to spend with great women, not having time to pursue things you enjoy, and not having time to reflect...does not a joyful woman make. Thankfully, my husband was kind enough to make it very easy for me to go wandering, yesterday...bookstores, World Market, Bed Bath & Beyond (where I found a gorgeous, organic cotton shower curtain ON CLEARANCE! *thank You, Lord.) I came home feeling like I had a second wind. The fruits of that are showing all over today!

So, now...what's the answer to avoiding this issue in the future?

It's just what you think it is. It's something you already know. It's what's picking at the back of your brain...

It's returning to The Source...the One who called you to the life you lead. The One who equips you to fulfill each and every one of those callings. The One who completely heals old physical ailments. The One who blessed you with the husband and the children you have. The One who makes it possible for that husband to forgive you time and again, when you realize what you've been doing. The One who cares enough to do the tiniest, seemingly ridiculous little thing to let you know that He's thinking about you...like place the very last beautiful shower curtain, that adheres to your convictions about product manufacturing, in your face, and then make it half price so that you can afford it. The One who lovingly takes you in His arms, gently wipes the dirt from your face, and nourishes your aching body...heals your exhausted spirit...and then sends you back out to do the work you've been given.

It's realizing that you aren't a failure for not being loving, joyful, peaceful, patient, kind, good, faithful, gentle, and self-controlled...because you alone cannot. You realize that your failure came from not maintaining your roots in Christ...from whom those fruits are a natural bi-product of closeness with Him.

It's finally going and falling at the feet of the Savior...and knowing that's how you do it all...by letting Him.

*I realize that not everyone who reads my blog is a believer in Christ. I'm not here to imperialize my heart onto anyone else, or God forbid, alienate anyone. I believe, however, that God reveals Himself to all who really want Him to. Whatever you do or believe...plug in, listen to your spirit, and find true healing.

{just for fun: my shower curtain from God:)}

Lighthouse: A Quick One

I'm trying to keep lots of commitments right now...the most important of them being to get to bed at a decent time. So, to that end...this is going to be a quick one.

I did pretty well at getting up early last week, but this week, I'm actually going to DO something with that time, instead of sitting on the couch, willing myself not to go back to bed.

I'm starting a whole body cleanse tomorrow (Garden of Life), because I feel like my feet are made of lead, and that's generally a good indication that I need to do a liver detox. In a couple of days, I'm going to feel like crap...but, the day after that...I'll be ROCKIN'! If you've never done one, I highly recommend it...it's easy, necessary, and you'll feel amazing.

I had a great workout this morning, and a few of them last week! In trying to be more faithful to the things I need to do for myself...that one's a doozie! Good new is...my knees are holding up remarkably well...no pain, no weakness! Thank GOD! The runs are every other day, right now, and Heather and I have scheduled a 5k for October 24 in Houston. Wish me luck!

Well, that's just a few updates. I have more profound posts up my sleeve, but for today, since I'm short on time, I need to go to bed, and I'm putting several things into practice before I write about them...I decided it would be fun to just post about small victories, for once.

Sometimes, you just have to pat yourself on the back a little:)

Me Monday: Prodigal

Well...I have a ton of catching up to do.

First of all...Happy Labor Day!
Labor Day is always pretty cool for me, because it always comes around my birthday. Actually, every few years, my birthday is ON Labor Day. If you want to get technical...the actual day of my birth was ON Labor Day. Yeah...so, if someone saw my mom on Labor Day 1977, and said "Happy Labor Day, to you, madame!" She'd be like...."seriously! You have no idea. Labor? Yes, as a matter of fact! Happy?...I don't know...check with me in a few hours!"

This brings me to my next point. This year, my birthday was on the day BEFORE Labor Day. You won't find me complaining, though...I love having a birthday smack dab in the middle of a long weekend! Ah, the birthday. I've never been one who's too hung up on the getting older thing, or worried about another birthday. I like them...and, this year was no exception. I turned 33, yesterday, and I have to say...I feel just fine about it. There are, however, some irksome things happening...such as the insatiable gray hair issue that I adopted during my 33rd trip around the sun. Seriously...couldn't we have an Aging Counsel meeting, and ban the start of gray hairs until 37 or 38? I don't take kindly to facing the music about my vow to grow old gracefully, this early in the game. I think I may have to reconsider my position on hair color. Especially since the chick who cuts my son's hair told me I looked old and drab the other day...Yowza!! She's hilarious...and right...so, I suppose I have highlights on the horizon:) Oh well...NO BOTOX, though! Good grief...if I have a post in 5 years that states a new position on that...well, you have my full permission to come and give me a good slap upside the head! So...thirty-three...

It's when I started school, again. There are good things and bad things about that one. I realize that my fears about being old in school are really no big deal. However, I find it infinitely more difficult to stomach attitudes and ridiculous fashion trends. I just see everything from another perspective, now. I realize how much cooler it is to buck trends than it is to just swim in a sea of sameness...especially when that "sameness" is ghastly!
*Let it be said that "skinny jeans" should only be worn by "skinny" people. If you happen to be a size 18-20, and you are wearing jeans that are extremely tight around your ankles...the only fashion statement you are making is a clear cut understanding about the width of your rear-end. It might even be more flattering to paint all your measurements on a sandwich board and wear that around the school. Please. STOP!! YOU LOOK LIKE AN ICE CREAM CONE!!!

I beg your pardons.

Anyway - I have completely messed up my illustrious and regular running streak...but, have not given up. I realize that this is the point at which I've always stopped...when I have "too much" going on in my life. There is never going to be a point when I say..."yep. Looks like this is about when everything will magically start falling right in line with my schedule and my energy level...guess I'll start doing what I need to do to make myself healthy." Heather and I talked about the fact that this is the actual training...the actual lesson to be learned, here. We will be masters at time stewardship and follow through by the time this is all said and done...I just know it:)

Speaking of...now that I know what to expect from my school work load...I am hoping to be more regular with my posts. As I've stated before...this is what I actually WANT to do...so, I will do my very best to do it every day. However, if I don't...well, I forgive myself ahead of time:)

I hope you do, too!

Happy Labor Day....can't you feel the fall coming?

Me Mondays: Setting My Jaw

Okay...I have a new strategy for getting my blog done. My hope is to be able to write a post for every day...because for the past week and a half, I have been very sad. I've been neglecting what has become a huge part of my life, and I'm just not willing to let it go. I'm very, very happy doing this...I've put an enormous amount of energy into getting it to the small level that it is, and I simply refuse to stop, just because I'm working full time right now. Anyway - hopefully, this new strategy will work, and I will be able to fit blogging into the grind...or rather, as a respite from the grind. I know there will be a day, when I can make money doing this...I just know it.

That brings me to an interesting point. I think I may have turned a corner. I have started and stopped, tried and failed at several different things in my life...all my life. I actually think I lack the thought that I can do anything I set my mind to...so, I never actually set my mind to anything challenging. Well, when I started running 3 weeks ago...I got invested very quickly. I also got injured very quickly. It's very upsetting....I was on such a roll...being very faithful to do it every time I was scheduled, making great headway in a short time, and loving how efficiently my cardiovascular system was dominating my breathing...instead of the other way around. But, now.... My. leg. HURTS!! I tried over and again this past week to get back into the swing of things...however, I wasn't able. The pain is traveling from the outside of my knee to the inside...from back to front. Today, I was walking around Target, and the pain shot down the front of my shin. Here's the thing, though...I'm STILL not willing to give this up! That's weird for me. Usually, I'm secretly lying in wait for a reason to quit something that is hard for me. But, this time, I'm REALLY trying to find a reason to get back to the run. I am doing the elipse machine, and I'm going to do water this week...but, I keep looking at the treadmill, and feeling like something is beating me. The new twist is...I have this...BRING. IT. ON. feeling. I will find a way to get this thing back in order, and still find a way to do the things that I want to do. I'll get this knee healed up, because I am not going to let anything stand in my way, this time. I'm ready to fight...

This is my Goliath...my Everest. I, in no way, feel like I've got this in the bag...but, I DO feel like if I don't face the giant now...it may be the last time I back down. That pisses me off. I'm NOT going down this easy. Quitting can just bite me...

...because this time....I'll just bite back.

Me Mondays: The State of My Body

Well, first of all I want to apologize for the unplanned break on Th, F, & Sa. I had unforeseen internet issues, and I was unable to get anything posted. You know something...I really don't like it when I can't blog. Last week I talked about being driven to forward the Real Food Movement...well, it includes blogging. I love the connection and the community that it provides, while talking about things that matter. I am so very happy and grateful that God opened these doors for me. I. am. truly. happy. I know I keep emphasizing this point, but I just can't get over the fact that I am inhabiting this level of excitement after so many years of not having any. It's almost like a second chance in a way? I guess I had kind of resigned myself to just needing to get with the program and rejoice that I had what I had, and stop looking for "more". Silly me...Jesus died so that I might have the MORE...not so that I would just survive. He died so that I could have LIFE...TO THE FULL...PRESSED DOWN, SHAKEN TOGETHER, & RUNNING OVER. Freedom...He died to give me freedom. To Him be the Glory. So...that brings me to my next point.

The Speed Bumps

There are many great obstacles on this path toward living freely. Some people have emotional issues, some have mental issues, many have physical issues, and others carry the heavy burden of being victims to some core-shattering event (or events) in their life. I happen to believe that often times, it's all at the same time. Mine?...mine begins with my body.

I have very few emotional and mental hardships in my life. Certainly, there are some...but, I am fully aware that in the grand scheme of things...I've gotten off easy. But, when it comes to my physical state...it's the bane of my existence. I come from a large family...in number and stature. It has always been like an identity marker for us, in some way. It was almost as identity-solid as one's ethnicity...like we were just born that way, and there's not a whole lot to be done about it. We're just...fat people. This identity label has followed me my entire life...to the point that I saw myself that way, regardless of whether or not it was true. I always self-identified as "the big girl." You know what's funny...I look back on pictures of me in high school, and, while I was always curvier than my classmates...sizewise...I was generally in the same bracket. When did that happen? I fully believed there was a significant gap between me and....well, being "thin".

There really wasn't...but, there is now.

I am about to turn 33. Thirty-three. XXXIII. Wow.

It's Time to Know I'm a Grown Up

I'm not one of those who is all caught up in the age game. I don't have that "dun, dun, duuuuun" song playing in my head every time I have a birthday. I enjoyed turning 30, and I feel like it's an honor to get older...as long as I'm getting wiser. What I DO have a problem with, is the fact that there are all these silent, little milestones that have been residing in my head, year after year. These subconscious goals of "well, by that time, I'll be thin, and I will be able to do those things I want to do." Well "by that time" has passed me up more often than I can even begin to tell you. The By That Time Meter is starting to steam....pressing the hand into the red zone of..."No Time Left". Does anyone else have this strange dichotomy going on, where you feel old, you're starting to look old, you are raising a child, having financial stress...yet, there's a part of you that is still run by the 20 year old, wild-at-heart beatnik that you were? Like, you could be equally as close to your slightly older friend and her high school-aged daughter? Well...that's me. Problem is...my body is totally one-sided in this little debate.

I realized a few years ago, that much of my problem is about that label I wear every day...the "fat girl" label. Thing is...it was never my friends. I was teased once or twice, but I was blessed enough to have beautiful, kind, and accepting friends my whole life. I was born with that label. It was no one's fault...my family had it, too. It just never dawned on anyone that they didn't have to wear it. That, and this label isn't a peel-off sticker kind...it's more like a chiseled-in-stone kind...you know, like a tombstone. It's as difficult a mentality to erase, as a child who was told they aren't worth anything their entire life. It's perpetuated into the very marrow of your bones. So, my challenge is to find a way to bust it up...to begin to behave my way to freedom from obesity. Even if I were to reach 2% body fat, I would never be "skinny"...it's not how I'm built. But, I would have a really strong, athletic, healthy shape. It's not that I'm looking to be a model...I just want to be the best that I can!

Besides it being a health hazard...for what I'm passionate about, it's also a credibility issue. Already, I'm having people ask me to come speak at events, and answer questions online. I'm seized with this fear of actually showing up in person. While I'm a project at work...I feel like if I were to walk into a room right now, no one would take me seriously as I tout the benefits of Real Food. I'm 130 pounds overweight, for pete's sake!

Weight is about a whole lot more than where you get your food, and it takes many years of consuming the wrong things for the wrong reasons to get where I am. Unfortunately, ignorance doesn't excuse your responsibility. So much of my problem is that I have the set in stone label I carry around, and it's coupled with a passionate, sensual affair with the art of food. I love the way it tastes. Period. No trying to create a protective layer, no trying to overcompensate for something...it was meant to nourish and enjoy...and boy howdy, did I overdo those 2 things with gusto! Most times, when I overeat...it's not because I don't know I'm full...it's because I don't want to stop experiencing the taste and texture that was so wonderful...the very meaning of "too much of a good thing." (You know...kind of like my insatiable need to over-describe my life, in exhaustible and epic blog posts:)

So, here's the thing...I'm going to keep you posted on the state of my body. I need to get free of this...so that I can carry out my many purposes in this life...with credibility, energy, and an amazing story of healing. I will give you the stats, and if you so choose...you can keep me accountable. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

The Issues:

Sleep Apnea; heart palpitations; achiness; blood pressure issues; blood sugar spikes; chest pain; too much belly fat; chronic discomfort; joint pain; sallow skin; infertility; major hormone imbalances; overall endocrine dysfunction; one foot in the diabetic pool

The Numbers:

HEIGHT: 5' 5 1/2"

STARTING WEIGHT: 270 lbs.

BMI: 44.7 (morbidly obese)

MEASUREMENTS:

Bust - 49"
Ribcage - 43"
Waist - 46 1/2"
Hips - 56 1/2"
R upper arm - 15 3/4"
L upper arm - 16 1/2"
R Thigh - 33"
L Thigh - 33"
R Calf - 18 1/2"
L Calf - 18 1/2"

Ok...So, now that you've got all the information you never wanted to know...you can watch to see how it goes. I'll post stats at the bottom of every Me Monday post, so that, if you're interested...you can keep track. Anyone else having similar issues? Anyone want to join me?

Me Mondays: Self - Discipline

This is definitely not a situation where I am regaling you with anecdotes of how I once was a slovenly lump, devoid of energy, and then through the powers of self-discipline and sheer will, I transformed into a high-energy, organized, healthy, when-does-that-chick-ever-sit-down woman of God. Nope...I'm still the slovenly lump. My definition of "me time" and relaxing is still to sit on the couch. I am still sitting at the bottom of this mountain, looking up at it, and believing I can't get it done.

The truth about all this is...I have a ton of knowledge about how to live healthy. I spend my free time in research, I expend LARGE amounts of energy ensuring that my child is as healthy as possible. I love working out, I love workout clothes, gear...heck, I even get workout magazines. But, alas...I have a self-discipline problem. Yes, I've been depressed and lonely, and I've used food for companionship and to mask certain pain...and, for a long time, I had no idea what that was. But, now, it's been identified, I am fully aware...and I have no excuses left.

Here's a story, that I am ashamed to tell, but it gives the picture of the depth of this problem. Last week, my son and I made chocolate chip cookies. (He loves to help me cook more than anything else in the world.) The next morning we woke up, I was brushing my teeth, and he appeared around the corner with one of the cookies. I was very concerned, grabbed it away, and told him that it wasn't OK to have a cookie first thing in the morning. I proceeded to tell him how it would make his blood sugar spike, and mess up his adrenal levels all day long. (This is a tactic I use to ward of the "why?"s. I give him a true and complicated explanation so that he doesn't care anymore:) Silly, but I was TRULY concerned. It's terrible for your body to do that, and I was aghast that my son's body would be treated in such a manner. (Like I said, I'm nutty about his health.) So, having warded off that evil, I went into the kitchen to make him some scrambled eggs and toast...(organic, free range eggs, scrambled in extra-virgin coconut oil, and whole wheat toast), opened the refrigerator to get the ingredients out, and...wait for it........ATE THE COOKIE MYSELF! That's right...that which I was mortified to let happen to his body, I was more than willing to accept for my own. What?! WHY!? I don't hate myself...I think I'm quite nice, actually...save a few grizzly character flaws, and I think I have OK self-worth. I think it comes down to habit...a momentum that was set during those times of depression and lonliness that is still with me.

Throughout this blogging experience, I will explore all the habits that need changing, but self-discipline is the DOOZY! It's the one that guides and determines all the others. However, I don't believe that it's possible to just DECIDE to have self-discipline. In Colossians 2:20-23 it states "2o. Since you died with Christ to the basic principles of this world, why, as though you still belonged to it, do you submit to its rules: 21. "Do not handle! Do not taste! Do not touch!"? 22. These are all destined to perish with use, because they are based on human commands and teachings. 23. Such regulations indeed have an appearance of wisdom, with their self-imposed worship, their false humility and their harsh treatment of the body, but they lack any value in restraining sensual indulgence." Ok, so maybe that's why I've failed at this for so long. I have been relying on my own success or failure to make the difference.

So, here is my challenge this week. I am going to spend the first chunk of time in my morning to get in the Word, to talk to God, and unleash the Holy Spirit. I don't think I need to waste any more time trying to figure out what's wrong with me. I just need to go to my life-source. So, how about it? Will you commit to get up every morning and give your first time to God? Do whatever it takes, for you, to make it happen.

One of my favorite teachers, Joyce Meyer, says "Do what you know to do, not what you feel like doing, and then what you feel like doing will catch up with what you know to do."

Leave me comments about how you are doing, or any other concerns so that we can encourage each other, and make this a REAL change...one that sticks, makes new habits, and resets our momentum.