Seeing Him

I had a very profound experience with Jax, today. We were sitting on the couch, watching a program about how to prevent and survive different life-threatening scenarios. At that moment, there was a particular story about a man who ignited into flame, at a gas station, when he was filling up a gas can, and didn't follow the proper protocol to avoid static electricity. I don't shield my son from things that are ugly (as long as they aren't inappropriate), I just make sure to give him the truth about it, explaining to him how things can happen, and if I know how...how to avoid them. Well, during this segment, he was very quiet. I was telling Brandon about my very specific behaviors at the gas station, to avoid such situations, as most of the people who become fatalities of gas station static/vapor fires are women...because they reenter their cars more often during fueling.

{as women, we keep our credit cards in our purse, so we usually reenter the vehicle to put it back. DON'T DO THAT! Always just keep your card in your pocket, or if you aren't comfortable, make sure that you touch the metal part of your car, before heading back to the gas nozzle.}

A few minutes passed, and heard a little sniffle. I look down at Jaxen, sitting in the crook of my arm, and he says, in a teary voice, "Mom, I don't want you to do that." {chin quivering} I assured him that I am very safe when I pump gas, and that I always make sure and do the things I need to do, to make sure a fire doesn't happen. A couple of tears fell down his cheeks, as he says to me..."I want you AYIVE, mom!" (We're still working on the "L" sound:) He buried his face in my side, and I realized that there are some anxieties that he carries that he doesn't always share. In the past few months, he has experienced the passing of his grandpa, and his baby cousin, Evan. While he never knew either of them very intimately, he was still affected. It created questions in him.

He is at the age, that several details of his personality are beginning to emerge. When he is a little hurt...he'll make a little show of it, publicly. But, if he is really in pain, or really feeling badly, he hides from me. A couple of times, it's only been because I am like a hawk that I have even realized that he had been injured, because he just doesn't want to advertise it. I'll find him quietly suffering in another room, because for some reason, he doesn't want to say anything to me. I find it very strange, because we have never had a situation where he wasn't allowed to express anything...except for disrespect.

I'm taking all of these little instances to heart...because, I'm starting to realize that where he is very much an extrovert, there are specific things that he doesn't readily share...and, I will need to keep an eye out for his moments of reflection...always ready to read between his lines. I guess it shouldn't surprise me all that much...because, for a child that doesn't house his father's biology...he's a chip off the old block, sometimes. I certainly have never been covert with my emotions.

I am often taken aback by his beautiful depths. I am awed by his perceptions, by his understanding. I can't wait to hear the things he has to tell me. I can't wait to see the things he has to show me...often times about myself. What do we do, we parents, to be honored in the ways that we are with these excruciatingly amazing little people? Is anyone else as awed by their existence as I am? It blows my mind that this little person was just learning to roll over 3 1/2 years ago, and today, he's telling me, in his own words, of my value to him, and regaling me with tales of his conquering dinosaurs and showing me the royalty that lives deep in his spirit. I can't explain how grateful I am that I get to witness his life....

...it kind of makes me feel Ayive.