Hello from Phoenix, AZ. We are here, visiting my in-laws, and sleeping like logs, and eating some YYYYYUMMMY food (albeit, not without nutritional drawbacks:). Seriously...I'm a food snob, and I rarely like anyone's food, but my own. My mom-in-law's ROCKS! It's no wonder my husband loves my cooking...it's very close to his mom's. It's been really nice to spend some time with them, and let them experience the joys and mind-blowing exhaustion that is our little boy...HA!
Sunday is the day we left Texas. I was born and raised in Texas, and though there are some tenets I don't subscribe to...I love it. The last time I left was 7 years ago...when we went on our honeymoon. We had a blast on that trip, and I've left the state many times before...so, I wasn't expecting the gut check I had when leaving on Sunday. I could feel it coming on when we saw this...
It was just a small twinge in my belly, just a little uneasy...and I let it pass. I let myself get excited about the whole Route 66 thing, and embraced the wide open road.
Now, let me preface this by reminding you...we sold half our stuff, packed everything else into a storage unit, and are, technically...homeless. I haven't actually felt that, because we were staying with my parents, my grandmother, in a giant hole in the ground that I grew up going to, and treading the ground where generations before me tread. So, when we were making our way to Albuquerque, my husband had me look up some campgrounds for our lodging that night. DREAD. That's all I felt..and it grew stronger the closer we got. We got to the Sandia mountains that overlook Albuquerque.
Now...I'm going to sound like a ridiculous baby, here...and I'm well aware of that...so, laugh if you need to...I get it. If you don't live around mountains, and you haven't seen them in a really long time...when one rises up in front of you, it can be...breathtaking...intimidating...foreboding. Ok, I'll say it...nerve-racking. I have made an internal commitment to just allow whatever feelings come, to wash over me...and, so I did. But, it kept getting stronger the closer to our campsite we got. We stopped to get a bite at a little place on the Turquoise Trail, there in the Sandias. When I got out of the car, and the cold air hit...the lump in my throat started. We sat down...the only patrons in the restaurant, and the tears started flowing.
I've stated before that, when it comes to my emotions, resolution rarely happens until I talk to Brandon about them. I could say the same words to another person...but, if they don't fall on Brandon's ears...they're not real. He looked at me, saw the emotions playing out, and put his hand on mine..."tell me what's wrong". I honestly didn't know until I opened my mouth and said, "I just feel soooo homeless out here!" *Isolated. Disoriented. Alone. Vulnerable.* "And I don't want to sleep in a tent tonight!" (heaving sobs) He would have gotten us a hotel, even though we shouldn't spend the money...he's just like that. But, I didn't want to fail this early in the game...so, I said no. It was pitch black out when we finished eating, and we drove to the campground. When we got there, we found out that they had little cabins for rent...and there was ONE available. We wouldn't have known, except for a man pulled up behind us, that worked there, and just happened to be stopping by. God knew I couldn't deal that night...so, through my husband's sensitivity & some divine orchestration...we slept comfortably and warm that night...here...
When I woke up, I felt much better. I had some quiet time in the Word...in the crisp mountain air, and felt like I could move forward. I know that my feelings were a result of not having a place to go back to...and not knowing where we will land. I don't know what our future holds...and that's OK. A good friend told me yesterday..."you may end up wanting what you always had. But, at least you'll know you actually WANT it...and you're not just doing it because you didn't know what else to do." Good words.
I will tell you one thing...no matter what we do, or where we end up...I know this for sure: