As of late, I have been feeling VERY stagnant. I feel blah all the time...and not just physically. I have this unprecedented (for me) feeling of apathy, but my heart wants passion and joy, and I want desperately to be one of those women that rolls with the punches, that keeps her chin up, and maintains her ability to keep going at all costs. I'm not one of those women...at least not yet. I am more the throw-me-a-curveball-I'm-gonna-shut-down-an-not-do-anything, types of women.
So, in my effort to shirk this flat-lining person that I currently am, I have been feeling the need to purge...and I mean EVERYTHING! (This is a terrifying notion to my husband, because I REALLY like to get rid of stuff. I come from a family of "stuff" hoarders, so I start to suffocate if there is something in my house that I don't need...and boy do I like to give stuff to Goodwill! It makes me giddy.) I felt it coming on a few weeks ago, so when I opened the latest issue of Natural Health magazine and saw a 20 page spread on detoxing your entire life...from your body to your pantry to whole house...well, it opened the floodgates. Visions of a garage sale & a pile of giant black trash bags on the steps of the Salvation Army, danced in my head. Oh boy...it's ON!
(*I love Natural Health magazine. I'm coo-coo about recycling, so I don't really feel bad about my magazine problem, but let's be real...I DO have one. I love them and they love me.)
So, today, I started my walk-through process, finding things that I want to sell, things I want to give away, etc. I am beginning to realize how much stuff I have that I don't actually LIKE. I began to wonder about that, and it dawned on me that I have a serious "what will they think?" issue. I've never really noticed this about myself, before, but I am highly motivated about what other people are going to think. I began to examine this yesterday, when I was in a store that I love. I picked up this throw pillow that was REALLY quirky, and I loved it...but, I immediately thought, "oh, so'n so would think that was silly." Ok, just to clarify...this "so'n so" hasn't been to my house in years. Neither have any of the other people for whom I regularly sensor myself to please. Weird, right? I have been living in such a way, that I answer to imaginary people in my head all the time, when trying to make decisions for myself. I mean...THEY don't need to be comfortable in my skin or my home...I DO.
So, here's the thing. My mission for this year, is to live authentically. I am going to do my best to make decisions, decorate my house, and anything else I can think of, to please my Heavenly Father, my boys, and myself. It's not that I'm going to completely disregard others...it's just that if I want to by a flour sac pillow for my living room, with a giant, aqua marlin on it, or get another tattoo...or (this is a big one) get my 32 year old nose pierced...I'm gonna.
Other people's expectations are baggage. I'm not talking about people expecting you to be nice, or the government expecting you to follow the laws, or God expecting you be a good steward of the things that He gives you...I'm talking about what other people want you to BE, in order to satiate their own need for self-justification. If you are an earthy girl at heart (which I am, and always have been), then by all means, live that way. If you are buttoned up Alex Keaton, who was spawned of two hippies...then live like that. I don't think that one needs to be an afront to society or a complete kook to live authentically, either, though.
My goal is this...not to indulge my every whim in life, but to live in a way that is pleasing to the Lord, temper certain things for my husband and my son (i.e. not dreading my hair, though I have always wanted to try it, because my husband loves it as it is), do the things that give me joy (regardless of the eyebrow raises I'll get from certain people), and to live as ME. I am going to set aside anything that doesn't help me achieve that goal...person, thing, habit, or mentality.
* So...if you don't feel like you can hang out with me, if I am a healthy, fit, exuberant, nose-stud wearing, traditional food-eating, family loving woman of God, whose house might just have a big green dresser or lots and lots of star paper lanterns in it...then we should probably wrap up our relationship sometime in the next year or so...'cause I'm leaving this slobby lump of self-imposed limitations on the side of this trail of tears, and I'm going to write, sing, cook, travel, run, and yoga my way to Happytown.