Sunday, January 31, 2010

"Me Mondays" - Self Doubt

I had great things planned for this, the day that was to mark the beginning of my illustrious career as a semi-pro blogger. Everything was laid out in type A, list maker fashion. I had topics for each and every day of the week, and was even going to write this morning's article last night, so that all I had to do this morning was wake up, brush my teeth, push the button on my coffee maker, and VOILA! article about the importance of sleep that was to change the life of some reader, like I was some messiah of the web. Enter a NASTY wave of self doubt, and an hours long case of writer's block. You know the drill..."this is dumb", "look at have no business writing a blog about making your family're in mix-matched pajamas with hairy legs, dry feet, and you don't follow through on anything.", "you're definitely going to fail at this", "this is completely have no idea what you're doing." Yada, yada, yada. I had a good cry, I called all the usual suspects for reassurance...husband, sister, mom. I even dragged myself to the gym, to see if a good cardio session would help to blow the cobwebs out. It helped for a little bit, but the waves of doubt kept sweeping over me. I was either having a serious case of spiritual attack, because what I want to do really is going to be worth something to people, or I was just realizing I'm not cut out to do this.
Oprah often says "doubt means don't." I think I may have to call BS on that one. (Sorry, Oprah) Truth is, that I've been told countless times that I need to write for people, that I have a gift, and that I'm robbing God by not using it. As I pondered this, it hit me that this is a chronic issue with me. I have all these things to offer, but for some reason, something keeps me from putting myself out there. So, it occurred to me that this doubt may not mean "don't" at all, but rather push through and DO IT!! Not to sound vain, but I've been given lots of gifts. What makes it sad, is that they are wasted. I believe that someone down there is pretty certain that if I were to move forward with confidence, and be free of the distraction and paralysis of self-doubt, then I might just be a force to be reckoned with for my family, my community, and my world. I don't think that we can be MADE to do things. I do, however, believe that we can be KEPT FROM doing things. Like an emotional and mental veil that's thrown up in front of us to keep us from realizing our true power. So, this is me...pressing spite of my doubts. So again, sorry, Oprah.
As a woman, a wife, a mom, and a writer, there is so much opportunity for self-doubt to rear it's ugly head...weight (I'll never actually get it done, why try?), financial freedom (there's always going to be something come up, why try?), marital strife (It's never going to change, why try?), blogging (It's completely irrelevant, why try?). Self doubt has the potential to single-handedly derail us from the path to all areas. So, my commitment to you is this: this week, I will write every day, no matter what I feel. My articles may not be life-changing or even poignant or funny...they may be irrelevant. But, and excuse my french...I'll be damned if I will allow self-doubt to make ME irrelevant ANY LONGER! Pick something that is holding you back, and do this WITH ME. I believe we need partners in this project! I believe we need people who know how we feel, who relate to us, who agree with us.
My life lesson today? God allowed me to experience what I did today, because He needed me to write THIS article...not the one I was planning. I'll get to the posts about sleep, exercise, eating well, etc. I just think that He needed me to go deeper...think bigger than my limited plans on the topics I wanted to let this be His blog, and not mine. He's good at that...not letting me fall flat on my face BECAUSE of me, but taking me to higher ground IN SPITE of me.


  1. I think this should be on a refrigerator magnet!

    When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me". (Erma Bombeck)

    I am also glad you wrote "off outline" today, since I needed your message.

    You might want to write about SUCCESS and what it means to you.

    -Julie Hollister

  2. Bravo sister. Amazing things are happening right now and everyday. The battle with our flesh is one that we must seek to conquer each waking hour. We simultaneously are suffering from the paralysis of self-doubt and the inability to follow through. So I am embracing your challenge to take this one day at a time and conquer the Devil at his own game. After all....we have Christ's love and grace to see this through, and that is enough.

    Love you and I'm soooooo proud to follow you in this journey-

  3. What a testimony to real life...too many have us fooled that it's all organized and controllable, even our emotions...
    Fight the good fight, girl! Don't let anyone tell you you're not worth it cause God's made you a precious child who HE DELIGHTS IN (Psalms 18:19)
    Thanks for being definitely have a new reader here!!!



Related Posts with Thumbnails