{whole me} :: mourning meaning

As I sat, watching the wedding of Wills & Kate this past Friday, I was struck by something unexpected.

I've never been one for much pomp and circumstance...usually scoff at the idea of formality. I much enjoy ease and familiarity...even with strangers. I like the idea, and have often prided myself on the ability to make someone feel as thought they've known me forever. I do casual. I'm not a private person, and though I sometimes wish I had a demure disposition, I have been known to "get to the point"...and not dance around with suggestions. Truth be known, I can be somewhat of an ice-breaker.

So, imagine my surprise, when watching this event that is arguably the most formal, pompous, demure, and rehearsed event there is...I was deeply moved. Never have I been a royal-watcher, but ever since Diana's death, I always wonder about and root for her sons...my ears perking up to see how they are shaped and what their life will be. So, yeah...I was interested in the wedding. I wanted to see it. What a beautiful moment.

But, there was something else...something tugging in a deeper place....

it was longing.

Longing?! Happy as I am for Duchess Catherine or Princess William or Kate...whatever you want to call her...I don't envy her the life she leads. However, the poise and calm with which she conducted herself, the majesty of Westminster Abbey, the horses with their polished silver, the choir of boys and men that sang...the hats (some of them, ahem)..this all added up to something that I think we are desperate for, in our society...reverence and effort.

It seems to me there's a general disdain for reverence, in this country. Maybe it's because we started as a country, through the circumstance of trying to escape the trappings of a ritualistic society. However, I think somewhere deep inside...our spirits are mourning....well, meaning. I realize that I am longing for a sense of deeper meaning...and, I want my community to share in it with me.

While watching some BBC commentary, a British man was being interviewed by an American reporter. She asked him what he made of the fact that so many Americans were captivated by the wedding...and, this was something that struck me...she said, "even though most would be embarrassed to admit it." *Why? Why are we embarrassed?...we certainly aren't embarrassed by our entertainment export...JERSEY SHORE!!! (Well, I am...but, in general...)* His response really resonated with me, and some of the inner apathy that so many people, including myself, have been experiencing, lately. He said, "Well, there has to be a certain deadness of spirit, doesn't there, not to want anyone to know that you think this is a beautiful thing?"

Why, yes...cute Mr. British Man...there does. Thank you for identifying that for me.

Think about it...as a general rule...we look sideways at enthusiasm. We look sideways at tradition. Don't be too happy...don't be too sad...don't be too Christian..don't be too tactful...don't be too kind...don't be too spiritual...don't be TOO excited...don't be TOO...don't be TOO! But, some things we are more than happy to celebrate TOO MUCH of. (Hello, celebrities with poor judgement!?)

Well...awesome. Where does that leave us? We don't want to put too much effort into anything. We don't want to treasure our pasts. We don't want to celebrate roots...we don't give a crap about heritage. We want to erase history in the name of progression, and we certainly don't want anyone to cling to the past...otherwise, you're backward thinking.

It's not that I don't appreciate progression. Things like civil rights, racial equality, communication...the ability to talk about things that desperately need talking about...the ability to question things that need questioning. However, I think in our classic, American "all or nothing" way of doing things...we've thrown the proverbial baby out with the bathwater.

We've progressed ourselves right into a shallow puddle of muck.

Respect, tact, reverence, decorum, dignity, rootedness...these are all casualties of "progression." I think it's time we start putting things under the right heading, you know? Like, maybe fighting against racism and sexism can be under PROGRESSION...and other things like sexual deviancy, hatefulness, and debauchery can stop being "forms of self-expression" and start being what they are...TRASHINESS.

I'm all about going against the flow of the machine...however, I dont' think that needs to be an excuse to conduct ourselves with absolutely no self control...no tact...no integrity. Maybe we need to be reminded that not every single thought, every single moment of the day, deserves to be spouted out whenever we want to. How truly immature of us. Maybe...just maybe...we should be humble enough to realize that we don't have all the answers. Maybe...just maybe...we should grow the hell up.

I think it's safe to assume, that as we move through this new chapter...after last night's news...maybe we should take a different approach. Maybe the venomous spew that seems to be so rampant amongst people with differing political opinions...maybe we could honor human sacrifice with the end of that. Maybe we could take back our lives from corporate interest...and begin working on human interests...you know taking care of those who need it...loving one another. Being civilized in spirit. Whatever that looks like to you...to me it looks like Jesus.

Maybe deadness of spirit isn't progress...maybe it isn't victory.

Maybe it's time that we lived...truly lived.

"The glory of God is man fully alive." - Saint Irenaeus

Re-Post :: Self Doubt

*originally posted on January 31, 2010


I had great things planned for this, the day that was to mark the beginning of my illustrious career as a semi-pro blogger. Everything was laid out in type A, list maker fashion. I had topics for each and every day of the week, and was even going to write this morning's article last night, so that all I had to do this morning was wake up, brush my teeth, push the button on my coffee maker, and VOILA!...an article about the importance of sleep that was to change the life of some reader, like I was some messiah of the web. Enter a NASTY wave of self doubt, and an hours long case of writer's block. You know the drill..."this is dumb", "look at you...you have no business writing a blog about making your family whole...you're in mix-matched pajamas with hairy legs, dry feet, and you don't follow through on anything.", "you're definitely going to fail at this", "this is completely irrelevant...you have no idea what you're doing." Yada, yada, yada. I had a good cry, I called all the usual suspects for reassurance...husband, sister, mom. I even dragged myself to the gym, to see if a good cardio session would help to blow the cobwebs out. It helped for a little bit, but the waves of doubt kept sweeping over me. I was either having a serious case of spiritual attack, because what I want to do really is going to be worth something to people, or I was just realizing I'm not cut out to do this.
Oprah often says "doubt means don't." I think I may have to call BS on that one. (Sorry, Oprah) Truth is, that I've been told countless times that I need to write for people, that I have a gift, and that I'm robbing God by not using it. As I pondered this, it hit me that this is a chronic issue with me. I have all these things to offer, but for some reason, something keeps me from putting myself out there. So, it occurred to me that this doubt may not mean "don't" at all, but rather push through and DO IT!! Not to sound vain, but I've been given lots of gifts. What makes it sad, is that they are wasted. I believe that someone down there is pretty certain that if I were to move forward with confidence, and be free of the distraction and paralysis of self-doubt, then I might just be a force to be reckoned with for my family, my community, and my world. I don't think that we can be MADE to do things. I do, however, believe that we can be KEPT FROM doing things. Like an emotional and mental veil that's thrown up in front of us to keep us from realizing our true power. So, this is me...pressing onward...in spite of my doubts. So again, sorry, Oprah.
As a woman, a wife, a mom, and a writer, there is so much opportunity for self-doubt to rear it's ugly head...weight (I'll never actually get it done, why try?), financial freedom (there's always going to be something come up, why try?), marital strife (It's never going to change, why try?), blogging (It's completely irrelevant, why try?). Self doubt has the potential to single-handedly derail us from the path to wholeness...in all areas. So, my commitment to you is this: this week, I will write every day, no matter what I feel. My articles may not be life-changing or even poignant or funny...they may be irrelevant. But, and excuse my french...I'll be damned if I will allow self-doubt to make ME irrelevant ANY LONGER! Pick something that is holding you back, and do this WITH ME. I believe we need partners in this project! I believe we need people who know how we feel, who relate to us, who agree with us.
My life lesson today? God allowed me to experience what I did today, because He needed me to write THIS article...not the one I was planning. I'll get to the posts about sleep, exercise, eating well, etc. I just think that He needed me to go deeper...think bigger than my limited plans on the topics I wanted to address...to let this be His blog, and not mine. He's good at that...not letting me fall flat on my face BECAUSE of me, but taking me to higher ground IN SPITE of me.

Like finding a road sign in the middle of nowhere...

I just found this post in my email, from a site that I frequent. I have to tell you...it feels like someone just found me, and I didn't even know I was lost.

I keep asking myself..."How did we get here, again?" "How are we back here, in Concrete Consumerville, and worse off than when we left?

Since we got home from the trip, we have been proverbially bumping up against everything we ever wanted to get away from, like we're living with a bad roommate in an efficiency apartment. (OK...I have a flair for the analogy.) But seriously!!

I didn't even really understand that I was going through anything...much less what I was going through.

And then....THIS.

This is where I am.

Where are you?

"Me Mondays" - Self Doubt

I had great things planned for this, the day that was to mark the beginning of my illustrious career as a semi-pro blogger. Everything was laid out in type A, list maker fashion. I had topics for each and every day of the week, and was even going to write this morning's article last night, so that all I had to do this morning was wake up, brush my teeth, push the button on my coffee maker, and VOILA!...an article about the importance of sleep that was to change the life of some reader, like I was some messiah of the web. Enter a NASTY wave of self doubt, and an hours long case of writer's block. You know the drill..."this is dumb", "look at you...you have no business writing a blog about making your family whole...you're in mix-matched pajamas with hairy legs, dry feet, and you don't follow through on anything.", "you're definitely going to fail at this", "this is completely irrelevant...you have no idea what you're doing." Yada, yada, yada. I had a good cry, I called all the usual suspects for reassurance...husband, sister, mom. I even dragged myself to the gym, to see if a good cardio session would help to blow the cobwebs out. It helped for a little bit, but the waves of doubt kept sweeping over me. I was either having a serious case of spiritual attack, because what I want to do really is going to be worth something to people, or I was just realizing I'm not cut out to do this.
Oprah often says "doubt means don't." I think I may have to call BS on that one. (Sorry, Oprah) Truth is, that I've been told countless times that I need to write for people, that I have a gift, and that I'm robbing God by not using it. As I pondered this, it hit me that this is a chronic issue with me. I have all these things to offer, but for some reason, something keeps me from putting myself out there. So, it occurred to me that this doubt may not mean "don't" at all, but rather push through and DO IT!! Not to sound vain, but I've been given lots of gifts. What makes it sad, is that they are wasted. I believe that someone down there is pretty certain that if I were to move forward with confidence, and be free of the distraction and paralysis of self-doubt, then I might just be a force to be reckoned with for my family, my community, and my world. I don't think that we can be MADE to do things. I do, however, believe that we can be KEPT FROM doing things. Like an emotional and mental veil that's thrown up in front of us to keep us from realizing our true power. So, this is me...pressing onward...in spite of my doubts. So again, sorry, Oprah.
As a woman, a wife, a mom, and a writer, there is so much opportunity for self-doubt to rear it's ugly head...weight (I'll never actually get it done, why try?), financial freedom (there's always going to be something come up, why try?), marital strife (It's never going to change, why try?), blogging (It's completely irrelevant, why try?). Self doubt has the potential to single-handedly derail us from the path to wholeness...in all areas. So, my commitment to you is this: this week, I will write every day, no matter what I feel. My articles may not be life-changing or even poignant or funny...they may be irrelevant. But, and excuse my french...I'll be damned if I will allow self-doubt to make ME irrelevant ANY LONGER! Pick something that is holding you back, and do this WITH ME. I believe we need partners in this project! I believe we need people who know how we feel, who relate to us, who agree with us.
My life lesson today? God allowed me to experience what I did today, because He needed me to write THIS article...not the one I was planning. I'll get to the posts about sleep, exercise, eating well, etc. I just think that He needed me to go deeper...think bigger than my limited plans on the topics I wanted to address...to let this be His blog, and not mine. He's good at that...not letting me fall flat on my face BECAUSE of me, but taking me to higher ground IN SPITE of me.