{whole marriage} :: speak your peace

I have a challenge for all of us...all of us women, all of us wives.

It's happening more and more every day. I hear it from friend after friend after friend.

"Well, I think I made a mistake. He's just not the man I thought I was marrying."

Oh, there's a myriad of reasons...not passionate enough, not a good enough friend, not a good enough provider...he's a pig...he's not a good spiritual leader...he's floundering as a father....everything he does annoys me...

...hopefully you get the jist.

Well, LADIES!!...I have a thought. (And as I'm sure you're well aware by now...that means I'm going to share it.)

I think it's time that we shed the shackles of the messages that we are bombarded with every single day! It's time to think of things in a new light.

Think about the message of society:

• If you need someone to love you, then you are not adequately loving yourself. i.e. You are incomplete, and to want to be in relationship is selling out.
• If you need someone to tell you good things about yourself, then you have an ill-formed and inadequate self-image. You obviously don't respect yourself, and you are less than what you ought to be.
• If you are not a lone wolf...and happy being one...you are needy, weak...hysterical.
• Loneliness is a form of mental instability.

Ok...now that everyone is listening...go back, read through the list again...and pretend you are a man.

A year or so before I married my husband, I was at a friend's wedding. I remember the exact string of words that came out of the pastor's mouth, as he was addressing the bride. He told her...

"Your husband will live up to...or down to...whatever you believe about him. It doesn't make sense, it doesn't seem fair. But, it's the truth. You can take a man without much potential, and give him a mate that believes he can do anything...and he will be able. You can take a very capable man, mate him to a woman who believes that he is lesser...and he will come to believe it also."

I heard that, and it rang through my ears like a gong.

That's a lot of responsibility. That's a lot of pressure! Could it be true?

All you need, is to look at the beginning. When the world was perfect...when there was no sin...when there was nothing to be upset about...when Adam walked with God...God recognized a loneliness in him. BEFORE THE FALL OF THE WORLD...God recognized the need for man to have a relationship...OUTSIDE of his relationship with the Father.

It's important, people! The marriage relationship took shape before the fall of mankind. So, maybe the message that we need to not need anyone is a bunch of rubbish? Maybe it's a big, fat lie to put wedges in between people, so that resentment and bitterness take root and ruin lives?

Men need relationship. They need us to be their helpmates. They need our encouragement and our respect...even if, and ESPECIALLY if...they don't deserve it.

Guess what...even Adam...who walked with God...was taken down by the words of a woman.

Now, certainly...his sin played a role. He didn't stand on what he knew to be the truth. But, what I want to emphasize is this: even the guy who didn't have to guess at God's will...the guy who SAW God, and talked to Him on a daily basis, the guy who didn't HAVE TO go on faith....HIS WIFE'S WORDS had enough weight with him to make him act against what he knew was right!

This is not a new concept, ladies...we have to understand this!

What a woman says TO her husband, ABOUT her husband, AROUND her husband...even how she speaks of him WHEN HE'S NOT AROUND...it holds tremendous weight!!

Your husband does not live in a society that celebrates the man. "Man-ness" has been replaced in the psychological hierarchy by femininity. Oh, yes it has...just think about it. This society wants men to be in touch with their feminine side...to communicate for hours, to dress a little more civilized...to be a little softer...to be well groomed...to be sensitive and equal-minded....etc. etc. etc.

Oh yes...most of these things are good things...at first glance. But, beat this into the male psyche over and over and over...make sure that their warrior spirits are downplayed and their built-in need to provide for their family is looked at as sexist or "old-fashioned" at best...make sure they know that their gender is not well appreciated...and all of sudden...

we've diminished male-ness...and we're left wondering "where have all the men gone?".

Haven't you heard...having 2 genders is discriminatory. Oh...you hadn't heard? Yes...yes, you have. They just get you to believe a little at a time, until you don't realize what you are hearing.

So, then...can we really be that surprised that our husbands are all of a sudden not everything that we truly need? We've shot ourselves in the foot, here.

Ok, seriously...I can go on and on. I'm really just wanting to put out some food for thought.

What I really want to do is this: I want to challenge all the women who might possibly read this...

Be the biggest cheerleader in your husband's life. Be in his corner. Protect his reputation...even from his own inner demons. Appoint yourself the champion of his worth. Decide that no matter what the world tells him...you will tell him better.

For some, this is going to take some choking down of a big hunk of pride. It may be well-deserved and very much appropriate. Stick with me here...I'm asking you to drop it. Just like that. Drop it.

You may very well have to lie at first. Oh, faint! Get over it.

Speak to your husband as if he is already meeting the need that you are so desperate to get met. If you are angry with him for being lazy...tell him as many times as you can how much you appreciate the hard work he does...and how you don't know what you'd do without him. If you have been at odds with your husband...stop during the evening, look him in the eye...and tell him you are so glad that you are on the same side...how you love that you are in eachother's corners. Say these things through gritted teeth, if you need to...but, if you want to fix an ailing marriage...I'm telling you ...this is the secret.

You have a choice: Build him up or tear him down. When you looked into his eyes and said your vows...did you intend to choose tearing down? My guess is no.

I have people scoff at me all the time about this. "Why should I have to do this for him? He's the one who makes me feel like crap and doesn't say nice things to me!" My response is usually along the lines of..."do you want to argue semantics, or do you want to have a happy marriage?" It's time to get bold about this. This is something I do a lot. And, no, I'm not playing games with my husband. Most of the time, I realize that I am actually reminding myself of what the truth really is...because, usually I am the one who has been dwelling on his shortcomings.

No matter what the situation is in your home...go first. Women are just better at relational issues. It comes naturally to us. So, we can either belly-ache over the fairness, like we're in second grade...or we can get to the business of getting happy...making our marriages whole again. Dare I say...helping your husband to be whole, again? Your need will be met...and you know what? You won't care who made the first move...because you will have realized that the power of life and death is on your tongue...and, that you have used it for life.

Give it 3 tries. Watch the change in your husband. Watch him walk taller...watch him become more affectionate. Watch him become who you are needing him to be. It shouldn't be that shocking...you know how it feels when he recognizes and voices appreciation for you. If he doesn't...I'm willing to bet he probably will after this:)

Lastly...make it a priority to be concerned about your husband's heart. If you're not on his side...who is? I guarantee it's not the world he lives in.

You have the power to get your peace back...the first step is remembering how to speak it.

Just so you know...my husband is a pillar of man-ness, whose masculinity has, in no way been diminished. However, he too is subject to the building up or tearing down of my words. He has experienced both. Every time he has experienced the tearing down...our marriage has been torn down as well.

{whole me} :: being

I've been having a difficult few weeks. Internally...it's all internal. I struggle to be as genuine, here, as I can, because I like to entertain and be quippy when I write this blog. But, sometimes, I think it's important to share struggle.

Some of the greatest inspiration, the most profound healing, and the most genuine "I get that!" moments, when I read my favorite blogs, are when the writer lets go and just shares the "dirties" in their heart.

We're all in this together.

If we're not...we may as well just hang it up...right now.

Sometimes, I feel like a bad stage mom. Only...I'm not imposing my warped versions of myself onto a child...I'm projecting them onto me. The truth is, I've been in a bad mood for about 6 weeks.

I have reasons...lots of reasons. But...everyone has reasons.

The issues are not the problem. I have allowed them to control my response. I have neglected to spend time in the Word, sleep correctly, exercise, and be thankful. I have come to realize that my bad mood may not have lasted so long if I had handled myself correctly.

But, there was this belief...a belief that said I have the right to be as blah as I feel like being...because of my reasons.

Well, you know what...it affected everyone around me...but, most of all...my husband. Our marriage has taken a real hit these past few weeks. The fruits of my bad mood are ugly...verbal tear downs of my husband, rejection of my responsibilities as the caretaker of our home, and a feeling of deep discontentment with my life. In the light of the what's happening around our world...how disgusting is that?! Heck...in light of what's happening in the lives of some of the people I know, it's out of line.

I'm happy to report that after a good night's rest, followed by a good solid hour in the Word and in prayer, this morning...I feel well on my way to repair. However, I have a lot of work to do.

Now that I have gotten the confession out of the way...I don't want to beat down the experience with a bunch of oppressive guilt. There are actual reasons, here...let's explore.

Hormones - Hormones are a thorn in my side. They have been making life difficult for me since I was a very little girl. Explain to an eight year old why she needs to wear a bra 3 years before all her friends...and that when she's nine...she'll enter the fun world of menses. It wasn't fun then...and it's less fun when you are a 20-something woman who desperately wants to have children, and is unable to conceive. I will go further into hormones at some point...but, they are so in depth and complex that I may have to treat it as a research paper. For now...they are the source from which so many of my life's issues spring...and second only to sleep apnea...six weeks of irrational depression leads the pack.

Sleep Apnea - building on the aforementioned hormone problem, sleep apnea is literally killing me. I'm working hard to get weight off (also made difficult by the hormone monster). However, when you don't get oxygen most of the night, and you sleep like a dying fish...it's easy to see how proper choices and more productive self-soothing techniques can get lost in the fog. Not to mention the pain factor...When you wake up to every single joint in your body aching, all your muscles being completely rigid, and your heart racing 90 miles an hour, it's a tough sell to get up and go work out...even though that is actually the answer. Exhaustion doesn't even begin to cover the effects.

Feeling overwhelmed - when one struggles just to get their day started, it stands to reason that things will start to pile up. I don't know about other moms, but my list of things to do on a daily basis, doesn't lend itself to late starts and less-than-productive paces. When you are a full time student, fledgling farmer, mother, wife, housekeeper, lover, psychologist, guidance counselor, builder-upper, chef, writer, teacher, organizer, and handyman...with the added pressure of not feeling fully equipped to do ANY of them, much less ALL of them...and then add to the pile that you feel called to do all of them, with almost the same amount of vigor...well...how do you feel just reading it?

Inadequate spiritual feeding - not getting up in the morning to have time with God, allowing yourself to get out of the habit of going to fellowship and worship at church, not having time to spend with great women, not having time to pursue things you enjoy, and not having time to reflect...does not a joyful woman make. Thankfully, my husband was kind enough to make it very easy for me to go wandering, yesterday...bookstores, World Market, Bed Bath & Beyond (where I found a gorgeous, organic cotton shower curtain ON CLEARANCE! *thank You, Lord.) I came home feeling like I had a second wind. The fruits of that are showing all over today!

So, now...what's the answer to avoiding this issue in the future?

It's just what you think it is. It's something you already know. It's what's picking at the back of your brain...

It's returning to The Source...the One who called you to the life you lead. The One who equips you to fulfill each and every one of those callings. The One who completely heals old physical ailments. The One who blessed you with the husband and the children you have. The One who makes it possible for that husband to forgive you time and again, when you realize what you've been doing. The One who cares enough to do the tiniest, seemingly ridiculous little thing to let you know that He's thinking about you...like place the very last beautiful shower curtain, that adheres to your convictions about product manufacturing, in your face, and then make it half price so that you can afford it. The One who lovingly takes you in His arms, gently wipes the dirt from your face, and nourishes your aching body...heals your exhausted spirit...and then sends you back out to do the work you've been given.

It's realizing that you aren't a failure for not being loving, joyful, peaceful, patient, kind, good, faithful, gentle, and self-controlled...because you alone cannot. You realize that your failure came from not maintaining your roots in Christ...from whom those fruits are a natural bi-product of closeness with Him.

It's finally going and falling at the feet of the Savior...and knowing that's how you do it all...by letting Him.

*I realize that not everyone who reads my blog is a believer in Christ. I'm not here to imperialize my heart onto anyone else, or God forbid, alienate anyone. I believe, however, that God reveals Himself to all who really want Him to. Whatever you do or believe...plug in, listen to your spirit, and find true healing.

{just for fun: my shower curtain from God:)}

Re-Post :: Coasting

*originally posted on May 22, 2010

Well...it happened.

I cracked up.

It turns out that half way through this trip, we can put one question to rest, already. Ready?

*Aleisha needs to live in or near a town.*

I love mountains...

I love trees...


...and I REALLY love the beach...

...a beach, by the way, that I jogged on, & had some praise and worship time with the Designer and Manufacturer of that magnificent beach & the ocean that crashed over those sands. But yesterday, when we were driving to a campsite...in some mountains and trees...let's just say they had, at that moment, lost their charm. The car started to crumple in on me, I got nauseous, and I burst into tears...demanding to be out of the woods and the car, immediately!

I'm talking full-on Veruca Salt.

I've been seeing amazing things...but, I have been showering with my sandals on, and brushing my teeth in gas stations, and my ability to be fine with not having a place to hang my hat is diminishing at a rapid pace. Not to mention, the stuffing of everything we own into the back of the XTerra, the not having a readily available washing machine, and the fact that I really need one of my own cups of coffee, sent me to the point of disintegration. I'm just tired. I'm a settler...I like to nest. This whole thing has been an enormous stretch for me. Although I'm ashamed that I yelled at my sweet husband, who incidentally settled us into a motel for the week, near Portland...I'm not mad at myself for cracking. I knew it would happen...and truth be told...I'm not sure you'd find a large percentage of women who would be willing to do this in the first place.

I want to grow food, and I want to have access to nature...but, I love culture & art & architecture...I need to know that I can go to the symphony or wander around a Barnes & Noble if I need to, and I REALLY love skylines...I love cities. It's becoming clear that this farming endeavor is going to need to be more of an urban project;)

So, in the light of yesterday, I was bound to have a day of illumination. If there is one thing I know...transformation is never easy, and just because you're near the ocean, doesn't mean you all of a sudden lose all your vapid character flaws...just ask the residents of Los Angeles:) What I do know is this...Wherever you go, there you ARE. The issues that created the life I didn't want back home are the same ones that live inside me, out here on the road. The key is...the issues are IN me...not around me. All that changes, if I don't work to change myself, is I pitch fits in more beautiful surroundings. But...my wise, God-given sister-friend, Heather reminded me today...that yes, wherever I go, there I am. But, wherever I go, there my Lord IS, also.

I don't know how people live without Him...because, there's no such thing as just coasting...

...even on the coast.

Re-Post :: You say "hippie" like it's a bad thing...

*originally posted on February 5, 2010

Here's the thing. I keep asking myself what I want out of this "whole" project. The issue with going whole in this society, is that you are at constant odds with the world around you. Those of us who believe in natural healing, whole food, getting back to basics...we live as antitheses to the relentless pressing to live conveniently, to keep up...to keep consuming all they have to give.

My husband and I had a conversation a couple of months ago about the world our son will be a part of. I was lamenting that he will most likely never be required to look something up in a page and binding dictionary or encyclopedia, or for that matter, ever read a book that has a smell...or that he would even have to turn pages on. He will never NEED to look something up in a phone book. We began to talk about all the tasks that will be obsolete to him, as everything is becoming (or has already become) a push-button situation. We began to wonder if the idea of "effortless living" was something that we wanted to pass on to him. Really? What's good about not putting any effort into anything? I was more than a little moved to see the movie Wall-E...the people in the future never moving from their seats that do everything for them, that have no more bone mass left, never eat anything not processed, and can't even walk? WHY in the name of all that's holy would we want to live without effort? And what genius called that living? Let's explore just SOME of how this is working for us, so far:

Not 2 months ago, I read an article in the news about how the U.S. military officials were going to Congress to address an unprecedented issue. They needed help finding a solution to the fact that the young adults, usually fresh out of high school, that were coming into the recruiting offices were failing their entrance requirements at a startling rate. Why? Because they are testing too low on "basic intellect" and "physical ability". Basically...they're too dumb and too fat! We've all had dorky, less-than-athletic friends from high school sign up to be in the military, and then return after six weeks as Oh-my-word-they-made-him-hot? desirables, right? Break this down with me...the kids that are graduating high school RIGHT NOW, and are going into recruiting offices are so under-educated and so physically handicapped by weight, that they are NOT ABLE TO BE RECRUITED FOR BOOTCAMP! According to the "Ready, Willing, and Unable to Serve" report, put out by the Mission: Readiness group, "About 75 percent of the country's 17- to 24-year-olds are ineligible for military service, largely because they are poorly educated, overweight and have physical ailments that make them unfit for the armed forces, according to a report issued Thursday.

Other factors, such as drug use, criminal records and mental problems, contribute to what military leaders say is a major problem that threatens the country's ability to defend itself " Yeah...remember when flat feet was the issue? Uh, OK....I'm moving to my own island.

Seriously, though. Our country has made so many "medical advancements", and we have expert committees on everything from toothpaste to psychiatric drugs, and yet, we are placed 37th in the world (behind the Dominican Republic!) for the prevention and treatment of disease, according to the very latest stats from the World Health Organization. We have the FDA, the AMA, the OMGNHPAQ (Oh My Gosh Natural Health Practitioners Are Quacks) committee, the OMGMAM (Oh My Gosh Midwives Are Murderers) committee, the SYKFOEDWDLW (Stuff Your Kid Full Of Every Drug We Designed Last Week) committee...but, I ask you...how are we doing? Are we healthier? Are we happier? Has all of our information made life better for anyone? Seriously...I'm in tears right now. I don't even have the energy to give you all the sourced stats...just watch your news, just read any newspaper, just go to any school and watch the children who are outside of it...just hear yourself screaming inside for reasons you can't even pinpoint.

I'm not happy. I'm not healthy. I feel like crap ALL the time. I have NO energy...EVER. I don't remember the last time I woke up feeling rested. I'm scared ALL the time...and I don't know why. I have so many wonderful things, and the truth is...half of them are constant sources of frustration for me. What's the deal? The deal is, I have a self-discipline problem that is exacerbated by the constant pull of the strings on my back...the puppeteers being those who decide who lives and who dies...those who decide what will be readily available in my robotic waiter that comes up out of the side of my fancy hover-seat, once they've finally killed all life on earth, and therefore have us right where they want us...sick, disjointed, and floating like space junk in a craft that is ultimately run by a computer! Every fiber in me rails against this...because I have a little boy, who grows like bamboo, and I want him to know a mama who has joy, and I want him to know how to chop wood, and how to cook a meal from scratch, and heck...cook a meal from scratch that he grew from scratch. And, (little peek into my conspiracy theorist mind, here) if and when the crap hits the fan...I want him to know how to survive. I want him to have resources beyond button pushing, and I want him to be thankful that his parents taught him how to live off of GOD's land...from HIS bounty. Heck, he could be the first president of the United Nuked States of America.

So, if you want to know why....that's why.

Note: sorry, my Georgia ran out of ink, so I had to switch to Verdana?

Whole Marriage: Cultivation

Marriage is like a garden. It needs to be cultivated...tended, protected, watered, and fed.

It's not enough to just get married. That marriage needs to be grown.

So often, people's marriages fall apart, and it's not hard to understand why. More effort is putting into what to wear in the morning, or cleaning out the car, than is put into the care of relationship...especially a marriage relationship. I've seen this over and over...people feeling like their marriages are over, because they don't understand this very simple fact. It cannot be overstated that continuing to live in the same set of behaviors, the same mentalities, is in no way "trying". Trying implies action. Do something!

Brandon and I have a pretty solid marriage...but, that's as a result of some regular maintenance. We continue those efforts tonight...we're going to a marriage conference at our church called "loveFORlife." We like to feed our relationship in this way...we go to about 2 of these types of conferences a year. It's such a refreshing experience...and one that is about re-centering your relationship...nothing else. Division of labor, parenting, financial partnership, careers...these things mean nothing if your marriage is falling apart...and synergystically, all those things tend to flourish if your relationship is solid. It's so unbelievably important to give your relationship some undivided attention...

Resources we use:
Marriage Today - we've been to 3 of these conferences, and they are worth every single minute!
Pantego Bible Church - this is our church, and the marriage conference is tonight and tomorrow morning:) I can't wait!
Power of a Praying Wife/Husband by Stormie O'Martian
The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman
Marriage Missions



...so, I'll be spending my weekend tending my marriage.

What will you be doing?

Me Mondays: Setting My Jaw

Okay...I have a new strategy for getting my blog done. My hope is to be able to write a post for every day...because for the past week and a half, I have been very sad. I've been neglecting what has become a huge part of my life, and I'm just not willing to let it go. I'm very, very happy doing this...I've put an enormous amount of energy into getting it to the small level that it is, and I simply refuse to stop, just because I'm working full time right now. Anyway - hopefully, this new strategy will work, and I will be able to fit blogging into the grind...or rather, as a respite from the grind. I know there will be a day, when I can make money doing this...I just know it.

That brings me to an interesting point. I think I may have turned a corner. I have started and stopped, tried and failed at several different things in my life...all my life. I actually think I lack the thought that I can do anything I set my mind to...so, I never actually set my mind to anything challenging. Well, when I started running 3 weeks ago...I got invested very quickly. I also got injured very quickly. It's very upsetting....I was on such a roll...being very faithful to do it every time I was scheduled, making great headway in a short time, and loving how efficiently my cardiovascular system was dominating my breathing...instead of the other way around. But, now.... My. leg. HURTS!! I tried over and again this past week to get back into the swing of things...however, I wasn't able. The pain is traveling from the outside of my knee to the inside...from back to front. Today, I was walking around Target, and the pain shot down the front of my shin. Here's the thing, though...I'm STILL not willing to give this up! That's weird for me. Usually, I'm secretly lying in wait for a reason to quit something that is hard for me. But, this time, I'm REALLY trying to find a reason to get back to the run. I am doing the elipse machine, and I'm going to do water this week...but, I keep looking at the treadmill, and feeling like something is beating me. The new twist is...I have this...BRING. IT. ON. feeling. I will find a way to get this thing back in order, and still find a way to do the things that I want to do. I'll get this knee healed up, because I am not going to let anything stand in my way, this time. I'm ready to fight...

This is my Goliath...my Everest. I, in no way, feel like I've got this in the bag...but, I DO feel like if I don't face the giant now...it may be the last time I back down. That pisses me off. I'm NOT going down this easy. Quitting can just bite me...

...because this time....I'll just bite back.

Whole Marriage: The Problem

I believe in marriage. I believe in it, strongly. I believe in it when it feels good...I believe in it when it doesn't. I make no secret of the fact that I find it stomach churning that marriage has become so expendable, in our society. I abhor the fact that being committed, through thick and thin, is a virtue that my particular generation views as yesterday's fashion. A trend that I find particularly disturbing, is the way it's almost viewed as an "accomplishment" to finally break away from the "oppressive" lifestyle of marriage, so that you can "find you", again. It's like there's a group out there lobbying to change marriage vows to state, "I pledge my life to you, as long as my ethics hold out, or as long as I feel like it."

{DISCLAIMER: If someone is being abused or cheated on...it's a different story. I would never think less of someone for divorcing over infidelity, and if you are being beaten, PLEASE LEAVE NOW!!....just so we're clear on what I mean.}

What's behind it?:

While I believe that there is a fundamental character flaw in my generation, concerning all things integrity-related, I don't think it's productive to just sit around and wax philosophical about the shortcomings. I think there are ways to practically make steps toward making real change...especially when considering marriage.

So often, marriage is associated with emotion. It's dramatized on screen and off, and is promoted by the most emotionally manipulative industry known to history. LOVE...it's the feeling that everyone is trying to achieve. The Big Lie?...love is NOT a feeling...it's an action. We associate it with the butterflies in our stomachs, or by a rush of appreciation for our spouse's very existence, but the truth is, it's about DOING what it takes to make them know they are loved, committing to be the one that meets their needs...not about how we feel about them at any given moment. Love as a feeling is not a bottomless well...it is finite. (Blessedly, it's renewable...but, we'll get into that in a different post.) However, somewhere along the way, we've been done the grave disservice of being made to believe that when that feeling doesn't show up for a while...we're given a justifiable ticket out.

What to do?:

Do I think that one needs to stay miserable in a marriage, simply because there is no physical abuse or infidelity? Certainly not! However, I do think we ought to give our marriages the same respect and attention that we would give any other area of our life. We're more than willing to make adjustments in our diets and exercise plans if we aren't getting the results we desire. We're more than willing to go to school to learn a different trade, because we aren't happy in our careers. We're even willing to read books about how to address problems we're having with our children, in order to know how to better raise them. When it comes to marriage, however, it almost seems like the mainstream doesn't want to promote it, in order to not offend the massive population of people who have allowed their marriages to fail. You heard me...I said allowed their marriages to fail. You know that saying "you can't choose who you love"?...well, pardon me...but, that's a load of bull! We fight all day, every day for our right to choose. However, when it comes time to be responsible for those choices...we drop it like it's hot, wanting everyone to believe that it just couldn't be helped. You may not be able to manufacture chemistry on a first date...but, you can certainly choose to do the act of loving your spouse. (and if they made it to spouse, then there was most likely chemistry there to begin with, which means that if it has subsided...you can get it back!)

The Hump:

There are plenty of people out there who are willing to do what it takes to make their unworkable marriages work, again. I know several of those. They've been miserable for years, but are unwilling to just abandon their vows without doing some work, first. They are willing to do a trial separation, intense counseling, finding guidance from mentors, prayer, seeking the Lord...and they do those things with acute attention to the matter. However, the spouse in question simply doesn't have the willingness to do any repair work, simply doesn't care, or have found their "freedom" to be a more attractive circumstance than working to make their marriage a happy one. That's abandonment, and Paul is clear that a person's refusal to "cling" or "cleave" to their spouse is sufficient grounds for the offended spouse to seek divorce. Sometimes, there is nothing you can do to make a situation change, and God's mercy is always in authority over rules of law.

The Challenge:

I want to go deeper into this issue in a series of posts, because I believe we need to intensively chip away at the notion of disposable marriage if we EVER intend to achieve whole families. Because, seriously, how can you have a whole family, when the very founding relationship of that family falls by the way side? I have a really solid marriage, but we have recently had a series of extraordinary circumstances that have caused a "snippy" season. You know what I mean...nothing really big is going wrong, but we've been uncharacteristically short and a little rude to each other for a few weeks. I've been intentionally acting more merciful toward my son in the past couple of months, in order to break a dysfunctional cycle of "snippiness" with him. So this week, I am going to do the same with my husband. I'll fill you in on the progress I know for certain I will be able to report...because, when I choose to do the act of loving my husband in more purposeful ways...it NEVER fails to bring about that feeling...you know...the one they call love?

{2003: our engagement photo. it's been nearly 8 years, so some cuteness has left the building:)}

Maybe you could use a week like that? I'd love to know how it works for you:)