Our Adoption Story

I have been trying to find a place to fit the subject of adoption into the Project. For my husband and I, it's a very personal issue that has profoundly affected our life for years. I have decided that I will be incorporating a Spotlight on Adoption post to every last Tuesday of each month. Tuesdays are the days that I plan on writing about parenting & child rearing issues...whether it be something that we are dealing with and need help on, or if it be a tip that I have used in our home that has worked and which I feel would be useful to pass on. I hope to have running themes on each day of the week and then inspirational bits on Saturdays...all of which will funnel toward the common theme of practical ways to keep our families whole.

Today is the first of those posts...this is our adoption story:

In October of 2006, Brandon and I had been married for 3 1/2 years. There is nothing that either of us wanted more than to have children. Though we truly did want to have at least one biological child, we both felt a strong burden for children that needed a home, and we were determined that we would adopt at some point in our lives...if only just one child. However, in the fall of 2006, we owned a little landscaping business, we lived in a one bedroom apartment, and we were in NO financial shape to be seriously attempting it.

I was having a terrible time with my inability to conceive a child at that particular point. To be honest, I was exhausted with hope. I was sick of trying to keep my chin up, I was sick of that little feeling in my stomach EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I opened my eyes to see if there was a plus on the little test stick...like maybe THIS was the time...maybe THIS TIME we would get what we longed for. It all culminated one night, as I lay awake in bed & considered the fact that I may NEVER have a child. NEVER...that word rang in my mind as I wept and sputtered down the stairs of our loft at 2am, to go cry in the kitchen. I had a really hard time understanding why God would allow this...I mean crackheads have babies ALL THE TIME...seriously...WHAT THE???!!! It was at this point that I had to really search my soul...and I mean DIG DEEP. I just had a moment where I thought..."OK. If I never get to be pregnant, if I never get to give birth, if I never get to make a baby with my husband...am I ever going to be happy again?" I literally had to answer that question for myself. Immediately I knew...I could lay down my desires to be pregnant, but there's no way my life made sense without motherhood in it. So, in an instant...I just stopped. I put the proverbial baggage down...I turned around, and I walked away from it. I gave pregnancy to God...I told Him, "it's Yours. You take it. But, PLEASE let me be a mother somehow." That was December 20, 2006.

{Back in October of 2006, I had gotten a call from a friend. She told me that her boyfriend (who we'll just call Bob) had just received a call from a girl, that she had given birth to his child, and that she didn't feel that she could care for him. She told him that he could pick up the baby if he wanted to, and so...he did. My friend asked me if I could help him babysit, because this had just been sprung on him, and he had a full time job, and they knew that I wasn't working, at that point. I was happy to, and I began babysitting off and on for the next couple of months. The very first day, my husband and I had made an offhanded comment that we were looking to adopt sometime, and that if he didn't feel like he could do it alone, we would be happy to take the baby boy. We left it at that, and never put another thought into it...until December 21, the day after my meeting with God.}

December 21 is my grandmother's birthday, and my mom, sister, and I went out to lunch & shop for that and some more Christmas stuff. My mom had picked me up a little earlier, and I was telling her about the realization I had come to with God, the night before. We met my sister at a little deli shop, and I got a phone call from Brandon. He said that Bob had called very upset, and wanted to know if he could bring the baby over for the afternoon. He had just received negative paternity results, and needed to go talk to his family to decide what his next move was. *My heart nearly stopped.* I got a rush of adrenaline and a knot knitted itself in my stomach that would stay there for the next year and a half. I knew immediately what was happening, but there was no way that I was going to believe that THE. NEXT. DAY. after surrendering my will to God, that He would just hand me a child. Dude...that just doesn't happen...right? That stuff only happens in movies.......right?

I suppose that God had something to show me about His truly unbelievable antsy-ness to bless us.

I rushed home to help take care of the baby...Jackson was his name, and I waited by the phone. That night came and went, and we slept with a 10 week old baby in our bed, and the next day came and went...same story. On Christmas Eve, I finally got ahold of Bob. He told me that he did want to come get the baby...but, just for that night and Christmas Day so that he and his family could say goodbye...that, if we seriously wanted to have him...we could. He was devastated, but knew this was the best way.

There's no way to describe what kind of feelings began in me that day...but, it's probably not what you'd expect. I felt terror, disbelief, panic, gut-wrenching doubt, completely out of control, and then that love...oh the love I had for that baby boy. Overwhelming love. It was a love that I couldn't even access at that point, no matter how I tried, because I was terrified that it was all going to unravel. I wouldn't let anyone call me his mom until we had papers signed by the birth mother (who I will tell you about, later...she deserves her own post), and even then, I was protective of myself.

For the next year and a half, we went through all the adoption red tape, I got a raucous case of insomnia, and pretty heavy dose of anxiety disorder...and a child. A child whose name we now spell Jaxen, and who is my son...through and through...my blood, my calling, my gift...a treasure on loan from a gracious Heavenly Father who couldn't. wait. a. single. day. to wow me beyond all my imaginings, because I gave my desires to Him. On February 29, 2008, we stood before a judge, and we became Jaxen's naturalized parents. I love that phrase...naturalized parents....because, he's ours...naturally. He was always supposed to be ours.

It's funny...I can hardly remember all the pain and fear of that time period. After we got the adoption decree, signed by the judge, I just got to the business of letting all that was stuck behind that dam of fear rush out and engulf my little boy. My. Little. Boy. My son.

{jackson: december 28, 2006}

{jaxen: april 22, 2010}