Me Mondays: The State of My Body

Well, first of all I want to apologize for the unplanned break on Th, F, & Sa. I had unforeseen internet issues, and I was unable to get anything posted. You know something...I really don't like it when I can't blog. Last week I talked about being driven to forward the Real Food Movement...well, it includes blogging. I love the connection and the community that it provides, while talking about things that matter. I am so very happy and grateful that God opened these doors for me. I. am. truly. happy. I know I keep emphasizing this point, but I just can't get over the fact that I am inhabiting this level of excitement after so many years of not having any. It's almost like a second chance in a way? I guess I had kind of resigned myself to just needing to get with the program and rejoice that I had what I had, and stop looking for "more". Silly me...Jesus died so that I might have the MORE...not so that I would just survive. He died so that I could have LIFE...TO THE FULL...PRESSED DOWN, SHAKEN TOGETHER, & RUNNING OVER. Freedom...He died to give me freedom. To Him be the Glory. So...that brings me to my next point.

The Speed Bumps

There are many great obstacles on this path toward living freely. Some people have emotional issues, some have mental issues, many have physical issues, and others carry the heavy burden of being victims to some core-shattering event (or events) in their life. I happen to believe that often times, it's all at the same time. Mine?...mine begins with my body.

I have very few emotional and mental hardships in my life. Certainly, there are some...but, I am fully aware that in the grand scheme of things...I've gotten off easy. But, when it comes to my physical state...it's the bane of my existence. I come from a large family...in number and stature. It has always been like an identity marker for us, in some way. It was almost as identity-solid as one's ethnicity...like we were just born that way, and there's not a whole lot to be done about it. We're just...fat people. This identity label has followed me my entire life...to the point that I saw myself that way, regardless of whether or not it was true. I always self-identified as "the big girl." You know what's funny...I look back on pictures of me in high school, and, while I was always curvier than my classmates...sizewise...I was generally in the same bracket. When did that happen? I fully believed there was a significant gap between me and....well, being "thin".

There really wasn't...but, there is now.

I am about to turn 33. Thirty-three. XXXIII. Wow.

It's Time to Know I'm a Grown Up

I'm not one of those who is all caught up in the age game. I don't have that "dun, dun, duuuuun" song playing in my head every time I have a birthday. I enjoyed turning 30, and I feel like it's an honor to get older...as long as I'm getting wiser. What I DO have a problem with, is the fact that there are all these silent, little milestones that have been residing in my head, year after year. These subconscious goals of "well, by that time, I'll be thin, and I will be able to do those things I want to do." Well "by that time" has passed me up more often than I can even begin to tell you. The By That Time Meter is starting to steam....pressing the hand into the red zone of..."No Time Left". Does anyone else have this strange dichotomy going on, where you feel old, you're starting to look old, you are raising a child, having financial stress...yet, there's a part of you that is still run by the 20 year old, wild-at-heart beatnik that you were? Like, you could be equally as close to your slightly older friend and her high school-aged daughter? Well...that's me. Problem is...my body is totally one-sided in this little debate.

I realized a few years ago, that much of my problem is about that label I wear every day...the "fat girl" label. Thing is...it was never my friends. I was teased once or twice, but I was blessed enough to have beautiful, kind, and accepting friends my whole life. I was born with that label. It was no one's fault...my family had it, too. It just never dawned on anyone that they didn't have to wear it. That, and this label isn't a peel-off sticker kind...it's more like a chiseled-in-stone kind...you know, like a tombstone. It's as difficult a mentality to erase, as a child who was told they aren't worth anything their entire life. It's perpetuated into the very marrow of your bones. So, my challenge is to find a way to bust it up...to begin to behave my way to freedom from obesity. Even if I were to reach 2% body fat, I would never be "skinny"...it's not how I'm built. But, I would have a really strong, athletic, healthy shape. It's not that I'm looking to be a model...I just want to be the best that I can!

Besides it being a health hazard...for what I'm passionate about, it's also a credibility issue. Already, I'm having people ask me to come speak at events, and answer questions online. I'm seized with this fear of actually showing up in person. While I'm a project at work...I feel like if I were to walk into a room right now, no one would take me seriously as I tout the benefits of Real Food. I'm 130 pounds overweight, for pete's sake!

Weight is about a whole lot more than where you get your food, and it takes many years of consuming the wrong things for the wrong reasons to get where I am. Unfortunately, ignorance doesn't excuse your responsibility. So much of my problem is that I have the set in stone label I carry around, and it's coupled with a passionate, sensual affair with the art of food. I love the way it tastes. Period. No trying to create a protective layer, no trying to overcompensate for something...it was meant to nourish and enjoy...and boy howdy, did I overdo those 2 things with gusto! Most times, when I overeat...it's not because I don't know I'm full...it's because I don't want to stop experiencing the taste and texture that was so wonderful...the very meaning of "too much of a good thing." (You know...kind of like my insatiable need to over-describe my life, in exhaustible and epic blog posts:)

So, here's the thing...I'm going to keep you posted on the state of my body. I need to get free of this...so that I can carry out my many purposes in this life...with credibility, energy, and an amazing story of healing. I will give you the stats, and if you so choose...you can keep me accountable. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

The Issues:

Sleep Apnea; heart palpitations; achiness; blood pressure issues; blood sugar spikes; chest pain; too much belly fat; chronic discomfort; joint pain; sallow skin; infertility; major hormone imbalances; overall endocrine dysfunction; one foot in the diabetic pool

The Numbers:

HEIGHT: 5' 5 1/2"

STARTING WEIGHT: 270 lbs.

BMI: 44.7 (morbidly obese)

MEASUREMENTS:

Bust - 49"
Ribcage - 43"
Waist - 46 1/2"
Hips - 56 1/2"
R upper arm - 15 3/4"
L upper arm - 16 1/2"
R Thigh - 33"
L Thigh - 33"
R Calf - 18 1/2"
L Calf - 18 1/2"

Ok...So, now that you've got all the information you never wanted to know...you can watch to see how it goes. I'll post stats at the bottom of every Me Monday post, so that, if you're interested...you can keep track. Anyone else having similar issues? Anyone want to join me?