How Being OK is Killing Me...

Well, I'm sorry about the delay in my first post. We are trying to figure out the internet solution for being out on the road, so you'll have to bear with us, until we get something that is workable. We got to Lubbock on Tuesday, and we have been here, spending some time with some of my family until we head out on the first "real" leg of the trip. I thought I should probably do some updating for those who have been following, and are probably wondering what in the world has been happening.

A few posts back, I stated that we were at a fork in the road, waiting for the word on an RV or a job. Well, obviously, the job hasn't come up...there is nothing out there. Well, much to my chagrin, the RV didn't materialize, either. Our original plan was to head out on the road, for an extended period of time in an RV, that we had converted to veggie oil. Turns out...our timing was bad. When we seriously started looking for RV's, we were looking specifically for a motorhome. When we finally realized that those were going to be out of our league at this point, we began looking for bumper pulls (that we had been passing up right and left for 3 weeks), and at that point, racing and lake season had begun, and they all got snatched up REALLY fast. Also, they began to get more expensive, so the price range that was really good before, became a spray painted pile of termite riddled junk. So, basically, we missed the boat on the RV.

We thought about it for a while, and decided that we were just ready to get out on the road, no matter what. So, we headed out in our XTerra. Unfortunately, we'll be spending gas, but we have cut our trip way down...what we originally had hoped to be several months, has turned into just a few weeks. But, the thing is, we just needed to get out of where we were.

I think I've made it clear about our position on the food situation in this country, and our subsequent desire to be a part of the movement to change that. However, there are lots of little things that have been eating me alive, personally. For lack of a better way to term this, I have just been buried under a big pile of "O.K."...and it's been killing me. I know I come off as melodramatic when I make statements like that, but even my annoyance at myself for making emotional statements, is a symptom of exactly what I'm talking about. Here's what I mean...

I was born a very passionate person. I was born with an artists soul, a love of literature, a love of wisdom, and a love for people. My passion for loving people and music was actually the catalyst for a social awkwardness, early on in my life. I learned pretty early, that if I wanted other people to like me with the same furvor that I like them...I was going to have to tone it down. It makes me sad just to type that. Seriously, I know part of all this is just growing up...and there's no part of me that believes I'll get anywhere if I run around hugging people with no regard to personal boundary...but, it's gone too far. I have a hard time feeling much of anything. What's left when you prune away unabashed joy, and true sadness when it's appropriate? Generally...it's a complacent facade, with an undercurrent of fear. If you're too afraid to feel real joy, and too afraid to let yourself feel really sad...you stay home, and you watch TV, and you become j-j-jaded.

So...I've been OK. There's nothing horrible happening in my life, there's nothing I can pinpoint to complain about. But, I think it's sad to settle into "can't complain"...I don't think that's why Christ gave His life for me. I know that most people on the planet live most of their days wondering if there's "more". I don't mean to sound ungrateful, because I really am blessed beyond measure. It's not about what I do or don't have...it's about what I DO, or DON'T DO. It's not that God has failed at giving me a life that I love...it's about my failure to participate fully in that life, to inhabit my experiences, and seek out new ones, because I'm afraid of EVERYTHING. The phrase "what if" is the boss of me. Within the framework of my fears, I have created an unhealthy relationship with food, an unhealthy relationship with my thoughts, and an unhealthy (and serious) weight problem. All of this, is as a result of not doing what I was created to do. A running theme don't you think? We think it's so sad when elephants are put in the circus, and shepherd dogs are kept in houses, and silver back gorillas are kept in a zoo enclosure...but, we're more than willing to do it to ourselves...and worse, our children. As the mother of a boy, I can't let my dis-ease in this area squelch his spirit, as well. So...scared as I am...of bears, snakes, driving over mountain cliffs, or being kidnapped at a roadside rest area (yep, it's all been suffered in my head), we are on our way. One of my favorite teachers says..."If you're afraid...do it afraid."

To stay accountable, I will be outlining some specific goals and purposes in my next post. I am going to need all I can get...because, I'll be tempted to turn back...and that's the last thing I want to do!

Some photos from the very first miles of our Journey to Real....enjoy:)