The Precipice

*Disclaimer*

This post is going to be raw...a stream of conscious look into the cloudy state of my brain.

I know that's not a new thing, but this isn't thought out. At this point, if I were to wait until everything is organized in my brain, it would be weeks until the next post. I'm about to think that part of the original problem is my infernal need to get everything straightened out in my head before I act. Because "straightened out" is a myth. That's the thing that led us to the place where we were back in Arlington...the waiting. So, we came out here, and we've seen beautiful things, beautiful places...but, we've also been couped up in a car for nearly 6 weeks, and we've been eating WORSE than we ever did at home. I knew that we were biting off more than we could chew trying to live out of a car, and trying to eat nutritious food. But...I was so desperate to get out, that I was willing to let myself think we could do it.

There are very few people who "get" how we feel about things. For Brandon and I, the thought of living in a place that doesn't offer anything else besides strip malls & concrete, beige homes & the Fascist regime they call HOA's, makes us sad. I don't know if it's "living in the flesh" to want to be in a place that inspires or "fits" us...but, we're weird people, you know? We're a little too anchored to be wandering around aimlessly...but, we're a little too offbeat to be couped up in the land of soul paralyzing conformity. I don't want to be a stamped out person, in a stamped out house, that is in the constant pursuit of more stuff to make me feel more fulfilled, because my Homeowner's Association won't allow me to hang my laundry on the line, or grow some dadgum food in my backyard, because the aim in life is to maintain property values, so that you can get more, to continue to GET MORE. Ok...it's turning into a rant, but I'm going to allow myself the room...

We are in Portland, Oregon. Granted, it's been raining since the minute we got here, but this place is amazing. I haven't seen a single beige house (or box with some roof grades on the front to simulate architectural interest), and there are yards, right next to downtown, where people have chickens AND vegetables growing in their FRONT yards! You know what? It's not at all off-putting. It's beautiful, and it creates a sense of community & of life HAPPENING, and of putting BACK IN to the place they live, to cultivation, to participation in something other than running on the wheel, and to making a place a home. I love it. However, it's hard to be in a place where you don't know anyone, and I'm tired of living out of the car. I want a kitchen, and I REALLY want to start healing my body.

The thing is...I know that it's all inside...I know it's about how I attack MY own day. My problem is, people are so often a product of the culture they are immersed in. I think that the culture that exists in my hometown is a smokescreen to the very issues that are creating all the problems in the world, and between people. And frankly, I'm sick of the general population rolling their eyes at me. I've found so many kindred spirits out here, people who immediately know what I mean when I give them a brief synopsis of what we intended for this trip. I want to CONNECT! I want to root in with people. I'll do this stuff, even if God intends for us to stay in Arlington...but, it would be so much easier if there were other people who felt passionately about working toward a common goal. Wow...am I still looking for easy?

Seriously...someone get me off this thing.

I feel confused...maybe hormone induced?

I do know that I need a night out with my husband, and a night out with the girls...and I need to hug my mom, dad, & sister. I need to go to worship. I need to cook in a kitchen.

I. want. to. go. home...wherever that is...I want to find it, and go there.

This bird needs a nest.